What to do? What to do?

Let me apologize in advance for the huskiness of this post, but its been a long time coming. I’ve been debating about whether or not to write about the guy who’s been occupying way too much of my thoughts as of late because there is a very good chance that he may read this. It’s not as if I plan on saying anything he doesn’t already know, hasn’t already heard or talking about him the way I talk about some folks lol, but still. I only hope that this possibility doesn’t affect this or future post because I am going crazy holding it all in. When I told him that I was going to do a blog entry about him, he said he wouldn’t read it. We’ll see about that, so here goes…

I met him on Myspace about a month ago. He sent me a message commenting on a blog entry I’d written a while back and we’ve been pretty much talking non-stop ever since. The conversation started out very platonic on both of our ends. I’d seen his profile before because he’s saved as a friend on the page of I guy that I used to occasionally message and flirt with, but even in cyber space I was trying not to run through squads so I never reached out to him. Plus I’d already gotten EXTRA flirty with another guy who’s on both their friend’s list. From day one, he and I clicked. We laughed and joked, traded war stories about our love lives and I even gave him the link to my blog so he could read about my misadventures with Batman. Now you KNOW I wasn’t tryna holla if I gave him the combination to Fort Knox lol.

Throughout the day, our conversations would flow from topic to topic effortlessly never skipping a beat. We never said “Bye” at the end of the day (well he never did lol), but our conversation would pick up the next morning like we never stopped talking. After about two weeks, we moved to IM. We continued to talk ALL DAY LONG. I was surprised that we both had so much to say about nothing in particular but everything under the sun. Since he doesn’t have internet at home, our conversations were limited to 9-5 Mon-Fri, so when he had to take a few days off from work I was completely lost. In just two short weeks, he’d become a fixture in my daily routine. I was surprised by how much I’d missed him but dismissed it as a burgeoning crush. I decided that it was ok to have a crush. After all, a crush doesn’t have to go anywhere, right? If only things stayed that simple.

We continued to talk everyday all day at work via IM and I now truly consider him a friend. There’s never a dull moment or any secrets. I find myself answering questions that I’d normally respond “None of your business!” to any other guy because he’s simply not “any other guy”. His manner encourages transparency and I’m never afraid of being judged. And to top it off, it’s all reciprocal. He’s open and honest with me, and never shies away from any question I ask. We marvel at how we’ve only known each other for a month because we talk like old friends. The problem is, the more I talk to him, the more I get to know him, more I like him. And the same is true for him. Why is this a problem you ask? Two reasons: 1. Distance. He doesn’t do long distance relationships and 2. He kinda has a girlfriend. And I do mean kinda.

Before our conversations went from general to sexual to sexually specific to “me and you”, he told me about a girl he’s dating. She’s been around for a while...since last August to be exact. Apparently they are on again/off again and right now are in an off period…kinda. I wish I could explain it better but I don’t fully understand it myself. When I asked why she was his friend and not his girlfriend he said “It’s on and off. Mostly on her part.” Umm…ok? I think ultimately I’m afraid to get some clarification because even though I keep telling him he can’t be a possibility for me, I want him to be and the minute I know for certain that he’s someone else’s it will really kill the possibility. He never refers to her as his “girl” and never has, just calls her his “Friend”. And while things were still platonic between us, he told me about a girl that he was screwing that was definitely not her so…I’m completely lost about his status. When I asked what did being his main friend entail, he replied “It means I care about her feelings.” So simple, yet so complicated because now he cares about mine. Umm…is anybody understanding this?

When I told Kat about the situation while it was still just a small crush, she was in total opposition. Told me even though they aren’t “official” I should put myself in her shoes and imagine how I’d feel. Well I did that and had a conversation that was very hard to have last Wednesday. By the end of the convo, we decided that we would try to keep a lid on things because our friendship is too important to put in jeopardy AND she’d be hurt if she ever read one of our transcripts. That has been the hardest thing EVER. The day after we decided to be friends, our conversation was more sexual than it had EVER been. We tried to recoup the next day and didn’t do too much better. Now we’ve moved our insanity to the phone. We had another conversation Monday night and came to a similar conclusion. In order to protect our friendship, we had to change our conversations. No sex and no “what if’s”. 5 MINUTES LATER we were having phone sex. Claude have mercy!! We are STILL trying to get it together. And now, in addition to chatting all day during the weekdays on IM, we talk an additional 2-4 hours on the phone every night. I keep waiting for us to run out of things to say, but it hasn’t happened yet! I can honestly say I’ve NEVER done anything like this before. Man the cool points are out the window and he got me all twisted up in the game (somebody has to get this reference lol).

I've never been the other woman before…at least not knowingly. There was one incident that involved a minister at my church, and another one that involved the Pastor who so happens to also be his father, but that’s a story for another day. I have no idea what to do. Better yet, I have no idea how do what I need to do. How do you keep feelings in check? I’ve never been good at compartmentalizing things. And I’m such a good liar sometimes that it’s hard for me to know when I’m telling myself the truth. How much does his friendship REALLY mean to me? Can I handle the idea of NEVER having the opportunity to explore the possibility of us? He seems to think no matter what we’ll be friends for life and I think I may have to beg to differ. If I thought about the WORSE CASE SCENARIO, would I be able to remain his friend if he got engaged tomorrow? Hell NO! And it would have very little to do with the fact that it would mean he’s a liar. I’d mess around and go to the wedding wearing all black lol. I can’t do friendship with ulterior motives again. I did it with J and I don’t want to do it again. If I’m going to be his friend then that’s what I need to be…nothing more. So how do I that? How do you become un-attracted, uninterested and unexcited about a person when everything you learn about them makes you like them more and more? How about when they say all the right things and are sincere? Man this knee grow even had me writtin poetry! I’m DONE.