The same image and thought keeps popping into my head. You know that scene in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom where the guy gets his beating heart ripped out of his chest? That’s what I keep seeing and thinking about. It’s like a living nightmare.I have plans to see my friend in a couple of weeks. The problem is I have a pretty good idea about what’s going to happen and while I want it so badly, I just know the aftermath isn’t going to be pretty. I’m at an impasse. My physical, my mental, and my heart all have their poker faces on and my feet are stuck. We have been going along just fine. The intense infatuation has worn off and what’s left is adoration on my part and only God knows what on his. The “kinda girlfriend” is still in the picture I suppose. We don’t talk about her at all, he doesn’t even mention her name, but she remains the pink elephant in the room. I am officially in this way over my head.
There is a maelstrom of feelings and emotions going on inside of me. At different moments, almost without warning, one takes over and I swiftly change direction. I go from being horny to scared to warm and fuzzy in the blink of an eye and its beginning to take its toll. I’m making myself nauseous with the back and forth. I’m confused. I don’t know what I want, but I do know that I don’t want to feel like this anymore. So what do I do?
My physical says:
Girl you know it’s been a minute! If we don’t jump on this one who knows the next time you’ll get an opportunity. You know winter is fast approaching and you don’t meet dudes like that when it’s cold. And it aint like you got anyone else to call. Trust me!! He is going to WEAR YOU OUT!! Just forget about what will happen later, let the chips fall where they may and ride it till the wheels fall off...literally and figuratively!! He’ll do you like Billy Bob did Halle in Monsters Ball and “Make you feel good”!! Remember all the naughty things he wants to do to you? Think about all the things you want to do to him. The three or four sessions alone should be enough for you to take a chance! You can’t keep doing it yourself. You’re good, but I'm certain he’s MUCH better. Nothing compares to the touch of a man. And if it doesn’t work out, you can just pick up the pieces like you always do. You’re a pro at it by now.
But physical, what if I don’t want to take that chance yet again?
Then load up on batteries cuz it’s gonna be a LONG winter.
My mental says:
RUN. Pack your bags and RUN. Close your Myspace, change your phone number, cancel your email account and thank your stars he’s in another state. Don’t even write a Dear John letter, just make your way quickly and expeditiously to the nearest exit. Remember what happened with Batman? You listened to me that time, but went back and ended up having to tell him off. Remember what happened with J? You NEVER listened to me with him and look how long it took you to get him out of your system. I could go on and on and on! You rarely EVER listen to me and you always end up in trouble. Yeah he SEEMS like a nice guy, but they ALL DID. You know he aint lookin out for you, he has his own best interest in mind. You have to think about yours. Protect yourself. You already let him in and told him to make himself comfortable, but all isn’t lost. You can still get out of this intact because it’s going to end badly. Even Stevie can see that. He got a girl!! You just a “friend” and you know how we feel about that whole “friend” thing. You are not a “go with the flow” type chick, so stop frontin. You enjoy structure and labels and organization. Be real about that. You don’t even know where this is going! And sex is ABSOLUTELY OUT OF THE QUESTION!!
But mental, you being kinda gangsta, what happened to trust until you have reason not to? He hasn’t given me any reason not to trust or believe him.
YET. Give it time and he will. They always do, you just choose to ignore the signs. I’m just trying to get you out before the inevitable happens.
My heart says:
Why are you so scared? He’s not J. He’s not C. He’s not anybody else who’s let you down before so give him a chance to continue to show you who he is. I know it’s scary, being vulnerable usually is, but if you walk around guarded all the time you’ll miss out on a lot of good people. Yeah the situation isn’t simple or cut and dry, but it’s not as complicated as you keep making it out to be. I have a good feeling about him. I think he can be trusted. What does he have to gain by deceiving you? Do you honestly think he’d do all of this just for sport? I can’t remember the last time you clicked with someone like this. I think he’s worth the risk of exploring further. I know patience isn’t your strong suit but you gotta be patient and see how this pans out. See where this ends up. If nothing else you'll end up with a really good friend. And sex may not be the best idea, but if it happens it won't be the end of the world. Your stronger than you think. You can handle the repercussions.
But heart, you know how I feel about ulterior motives and friendship. What do I do when he tells me he has a girlfriend now and I’m left with all these feelings for him?
Umm…uh…I haven’t really thought about that…
My head hurts.
7 comments:
Okay cuzn, you KNOW my stance on the whole issue, and I can see that you at LEAST hear me, even if you ain't listening. Folks that care bout you like family *ahem ahem* just want you to be careful.
Decisions..decisions..well, you don't want my advice I always act on my first impulse and deal with the consequences later --- be it tears, drama, heartache or whatever. Life is short. Do what makes you happy now and let the future take care of itself is what I say! But, you didnt ask me..lol
I'm a waffler. I think waaaay too much, so I won't even bother with giving you an answer. I can see the positives and negatives in both situations, and knowing me I think I'd be rolling with the physical and try to suppress the mental. At a younger age any way.
On another note, I really hope this doesn't turn out to be the coldest winter ever 4 ya.
Ohhh, and you're added as of right now
Girl, this is a toughie. I will tell you what I would have done, if this was me, I would have unfortunately gone with the mental... which is NOT necessarily the best option. Yes, you don't get hurt... Yes, you don't pine in pain for someone else's feelings to match your own BUT you do suffer from the walls you are trapped, you do suffer from not living your life to the fullest... And I know what that can be like... Not so much fun.
Ideally, I'll say trust your heart... Try it out, feel it out SLOWLY... Have sex if you want unless it will cloud your judgement even more (or give you a cold eye-opening shower.lol)... Just thread carefully but remember that there is strength in allowing ourselves to be vulnerable... Let him know how you feel and then let things fall where they may.
If it doesn't work out, you'll have no regrets. We never die from heartbreak... Carpe Diem, my dear.
(and sorry for the long post. :D. I'm in the same situation RIGHT NOW! :))
I say, don't make a move until your head stops hurting, things are clear, and you are certain about your decision. Impulses are instant, but consequences can last much longer. There's no rush or deadline you have to meet, right? Keep it how it is, and be sure before you move one way or the other.
And try not to overthink it. You should be comfortable in the situation.
Holy moley...I see why you're confused. I don't even have any advice cause I'm confused too! At any rate, good luck with whatever decision you make. God will take care of you regardless...
I've had these conversations with myself and I tell you, it never gets easier.
The thing I've done is follow my heart. But then, i'm a hopeful romantic and an optimist, so that's how I operate. I've been hurt, but I've not regretted a thing.
I can't tell you what to do. All I can tell you is don't do anything until you have a clear head and can make a real decision.
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