The first guy I met in high school. He was my “first love”. We were never officially boyfriend and girlfriend because he said he had to love a girl before giving her that title. Naturally we were only ever friends because this “love” never came and I stopped looking for it…or so I thought. I was 14 when it all started and it didn’t end until I was 23. We’d go through different spells of screwing like rabbits, just being cool with no sex and losing contact for over a year at times. Every now and then I’d want more from him than he was offering so I’d fall back. Even though I knew without a doubt that he wasn’t the kind of man I wanted in my life, it didn’t stop me from wanting him to want me. I was never into bad boys, I like swag not conjugals and commissary, but I was constantly looking for the love this man was never going to give me. It was this relationship that taught me no matter what you do; you can’t make a man love you. He also taught me that you can’t change a man. I finally cut ties for good after I found out he was selling drugs while living with me (why he was staying with me in the first place is a long story for another day). It was clear to me at that point that he was selfish and didn't respect me or our friendship so I was done. I put him out and stopped speaking to him. He called me a couple of years later after getting shot 9 times (no his name aint Curtiss Jackson lol) and told me that he realized if he died, I wouldn't have known about it and that bothered him. We played catch up and I never heard from him again.
The second guy you may remember from this post. I was his “friend” because that’s what he wanted. The times I tried to walk away, he was always there pulling me back in. He was selfish and my motivation for sticking around was wrong. Not a good combination. His romantic interest in me ebbed and flowed and whenever he felt like it, he’d steer things in one direction, I’d follow, and then he’d make a sudden U-turn often times leaving me feeling lost and stranded. I never wanted to be “just friends” but since that’s all he was offering, it’s what I settled for (“Settle” is such an ugly word isn’t it?). I couldn’t see it at the time but I hung around hoping that one day he would look up and see what I was trying to be for him and to him and things would be ok. When that day finally came (he told me that he realized that I only ever wanted to love and care for him) he STILL wasn’t trying to be with me. At that point it didn’t matter anyway. I’d taken such an emotional beating from him over the years that I couldn’t be his friend if I tried. I came to the conclusion that my friends never treat me the way he did and completely wrote him out of my life.
This time around, I am mad skeptical. I just don’t think it’s possible for me to do something I’ve never been able to do before. We don’t have an extensive history and there is no love, but that was the case in the beginning of my other “friendships” as well. And the similarities don’t end there. The fact of the matter is, I wanted one thing and they wanted another. I’ve either wanted a relationship or wanted to continue exploring the idea of a relationship while they wanted friendship on their terms. This time is no different. I don’t want to go down this road again; it’s a huge waste of time and is so draining. While I genuinely want to be his friend, I know my limitations. I know that I am unable to successfully compartmentalize my feelings so there is no use in trying. I can’t separate the romantic from the platonic as long as there is an inkling of interest there. I never fully loose interest in a man until I no longer want a relationship with him. Most of the time I only loose interest in a relationship when I’ve been really hurt. I haven’t been really hurt so, what does that mean for us? I don’t have many options. I could try and convince myself that this time will be different but you know how that whole line about insanity goes. While I value his friendship, I value my sanity more. I’m done compromising, settling and holding onto false hopes. I’ve done it before and it never worked to my benefit in the end only my detriment.
He’s always said he thinks we’ll be friends for life when everything is said and done, but I honestly think there are too many other feelings there for this to be possible, at least for me. He may be able to switch gears easily, but I’m not built like that. If I thought we could have a friendship completely devoid of flirting, double entandres and sexual innuendos, that would be one thing, but I know that’s not possible. It’s never been, not with me, not with him and not with any other man I’ve been intimate with. Hell, even my one platonic friend who I had sex with comes at me sideways from time to time. I have no reason to believe he will be any different and that kind of stuff fuels a fire in me that needs to be put out for the sake of the friendship. Add to that the extreme jealousy I’ll experience at the mere mention of another woman and it doesn’t even sound like something worth trying.
The bottom line is I don’t think we can be friends. I guess I have a decision to make.
This entry has been brought to you by Debra Cox and R.L.
2 comments:
He called me a couple of years later after getting shot 9 times (no his name aint Curtiss Jackson lol)
DEAD
Girl this entry is the truth
Damn girl, and I thought you could introduce me to Fiddy, lol.
That "f" word is somethin else, and its difficult to achieve when there are excess "feelings" there. It means different things to different people, but I know I take it very seriously (and it seems like you do too).
I recently found out that I was calling someone a friend and thinking of them as a friend, but they really aren't. Not that we aren't "cool", we just aren't the kind of friends I thought we were or could be. Like you said, they treated me nothing like my other real friends. I had to realize that I was projecting a friendship between us that didn't (doesn't) really exist. We just know each other, and thats about it.
Took awhile to get there though, but I did get there. You will too *wink*
Post a Comment