Moving On: Bye Bye Batman

I hate that I have to write this, but alas it’s necessary. Batman is no more. I'm done. It was fun while it lasted. Here's the recap:

After Wednesday night, I decided to keep an eye out for a pattern. I had NO IDEA I'd see what was going on so soon. We made plans last week to go out on Friday, but we never firmed up a time. I didn't hear from him all day Friday aside from a text asking what I was doing. After I got off of work, I called him, no answer, I texted him: “So I guess we’re not going out tonight huh?”, no response, as the night wore on, I text again, (Wow you’re really standing me up huh?, and then finally at 8:30, I got a call telling me we couldn't go out because he didn't have any dough. Umm, yeah ok. Once again I try to use my newly acquired skill of effective communication with a man:

Step 1: Say something positive/non-threatening/reassuring
"We can't go out? That's fine"

His response "My bad, my bad, my bad, my bad. I know you wanted to go out and I wanted to make that happen for you, but I took my peeps out last night and that kind of blew my budget."

Step 2: If necessary, do a little fact finding to see if your anger/annoyance is valid
"Umm, ok…so how long have you known we couldn't go? This is the first I'm hearing from you all day."

His response "I just found out. I was working on getting a loan but that fell through"

Step 3: Calmly state your problem
"Umm hmm...well you had to have known there was a possibility that we couldn't go. Why is this the first I'm hearing from you? I mean I told you I hate to be kept waiting and because I didn't hear from you all day that's basically what I was doing. Waiting."

His response: “My bad.” Then dead silence…

Ok, maybe I didn't do the best job at step 3 because that was laced with attitude and irritability lol. But he was once again out of pocket so who cares? You are 3 and a half hours late less than two days ago and now you are canceling plans on me at the last minute? Dude, you had to have known you were skating on thin ice! So after a long silence, he said he'd talk to me later. When we got off the phone, I knew I had a decision to make. I had to decide if I was done or if I was going to be handing out chances to disappoint me like its candy. After much thought, deliberation and the advice of a good friend or two, I decided to tell Batman to kick rocks. Beat it dude. It was fun while it lasted. Now why was it necessary for me to give it thought? Why wasn't it an immediate, knee jerk reaction you ask? Well, it's quite simple. I shoulda neva gave him a piece of cookie-pie.

I got used to the idea of having a steady supply of lovin. Used to the idea of takin a break from the dating scene for a second (I expected him to be gone by the end of the Summer). I was going to have a convo with Batman about where we were headed that night...over dinner lol. So, when he cut up, I was reluctant to let him go at first because I had to deprogram myself. That and, I was pissed I wasted 9 months on this dude! No we weren't involved for 9 months; I just broke my 9 month drought with him. Damn hormones! Horny is a powerful drug. Had I been thinking clearly…whatever lol. This just reaffirms what I already knew; I am not cut out for “no strings attached sex”. I used to be able to do it, but now it’s just too draining. If I would have banged him once and never called him again, I could have lived with that, but I tried to turn a hoe into a housewife. I realized I let a lot slide in the name of steady dick. Don’t get me wrong, I did like him, but I’m not the least bit upset that I'll never talk to him again.

Oh, and the real shade is I haven’t talked to him since he said he was going to talk to me later. I called him later that night and didn’t get an answer. He never called me back and I haven’t called him. So it looks like he’s trying to fire me lol. Well you can’t fire me boy because I quit lol!

While usually it would KILL ME not get the last word, suprisingly, I’m fine. He's not worth the 10 cents for the text, the unlimited minutes on my cell or an email. It’s been real Batman. Holla. Then again, don’t.

NEXT!!

Dating and Such: Harp on it or Let it Go

Batman finally made his way to my house...3 ½ hours later. I was PISSED. I mean I was couldn't sleep tossing and turning pissed. He was supposed to be there at 9, I didn't get a text telling me he would be late until he was already half an hour late, and then I didn't hear from him again until 11:57. Oh the things that were going through my head. He text me to let me know he's was on his way. I text him back and let him know how mad I was and he finally called me. The following conversation ensued:

Batman: So can I still come over? I mean am I allowed?
Me: What the hell happened? I mean why are you so late?
Batman: I had some things I had to take care of.
Me: (long pause) So...that's all the explanation I get?
Batman: I really don't want to talk about it...at least I don't feel comfortable talking about it with you.
Me: (thinking: Oh you can screw me, but you can't talk to me?) Ok...well you got to come and get these cakes so...
Batman: Ok, well I'm in Delaware so it shouldn't take me long to get there

An hour later there was a knock at my door. Now in the time it took him to get there, I went through a couple fits of anger. I HATE to be kept waiting. We just hand a conversation about this last week and I KNOW he remembers me saying that. Hell, he remembers other things I've said of far less importance. It wasn't just the fact that he was late that set me ablaze, it was the nonchalant, "take it or leave it, it is what it is" vibe he was giving off in conjunction with him handling it poorly overall. And THAT took me back to when I was dating the Preacher Man. His whole demeanor was "It is what it is". Poor Batman was about to be the victim of residual anger. I realized I had to decide if I wanted to keep talking to him or keep it moving. I like dude, but I was NOT going to be upset about giving his light bright ass the boot. I've been with too many dudes who treated me like an option and not a priority and I wasn't about to do it again.

I thought about texting him and telling him not to bother coming over, never calling him again and just eating the expenses from making his cakes...but this is business and Mama got to eat! I thought about not saying anything at all and waiting to see if he'd be apologetic on his own, but I wasn't up for guessing games and subliminal messages. If there is one thing I learned from my "relationship" with Preacher Man, it's how to talk to a man so that he HEARS ME. So I decided instead of cursing him out, giving him the cold shoulder or giving him the boot, I'd calmly say my peace and leave it be. After all, I didn't feel like last night was enough to warrant leaving him alone but it was definitely something to keep an eye out for. I wasn't in a sexy mood anymore so I had every intention on boxing his stuff up and sending him on his way for the night after my lil speech.

When he came in and saw me getting his things ready, he asked if I could do that in the morning. I totally punked out. All that stuff about sending him home went right out the window. A damn mess. I wasn't about to let it slide completely though, so while he was getting ready to get in bed I said "Let me just say this, I understand that you had some things you had to deal with and you don't wanna share with me and I respect that. However, you need to respect and acknowledge that I am upset and I have EVERY RIGHT to be. You are 3 ½ hours late and all I got was two text messages. And when you finally did call, I didn’t hear the words ‘I’m sorry’ at all. And now I feel like you givin me this ‘It is what it is’ attitude and it's not fair.” Please hold all applause lol.

After that, he apologized and told me he appreciated everything I did. Was I still mad? Hell yeah. Was his apology enough? Of course not, but I was either gonna accept it and let it go or harp on it, kick him out and never speak to him again. I chose the former. Now I just hope he doesn’t make me regret my choice down the line.

Dating and Such: I hate waiting...

So I'm washed up, trimmed up, smelling good, looking fine and alone. Batman is supposed to come over tonight. His mothers birthday is tomorrow so he's buying two cakes from me. Plus he got me an order from his job. I stayed up until about 2 last night baking this stuff and he's about 20 mins late. I'm getting in my toe tapping, clock glancing mode. This the part of dating that I HATE. I hate to be kept waiting. It's ironic since I am notorious for keeping people waiting on me. I guess this is karma.

I left my cell phone home today and so I had to search my call history online and to find his number so we could iron out the final details. What happened to the days when people memorized phone numbers lol? I mean I don't even know my mother's number by heart, but I digress. I haven't heard from him, and he didn't answer the phone when I called him to ask him if he was hungry about a half an hour ago. I'm so over it at this point...

Nate Dogg is on the phone and I'm really not in the mood for small talk so EVERYTHING he says is annoying me. It's unfair, but it is what it is. I'm getting off the phone with him right now.

UPDATE: It's 2hrs later. He still isn't here. I got a text message about an hour and 45 mins ago telling me that he was running really late but was still coming. In his words, he had a few things he needed to take care of. Umm yeah ok. I'm beyond annoyed. What's worse? I still want him to come over. I'm going to bed. This liking somebody ish is for the birds.

Friend or Beau

There is always this great debate going on somewhere in the world about the importance or lack thereof, of labels. I have dated at least three guys in the past on a long term basis without ever clearly defining what we were to each other. Believe me most times this wasn't my doing or my choice. I personally like labels; hell I'll even go as far to say that I love them. They allow me to compartmentalize my actions and feelings in relation to the situation. Anyone who says they don't like labels is a dam lie. Exhibit A: I have heard the term "friend" used to describe so many relationships it's not even funny. It's the default. Got an FB? Friend. Dating, but not exclusive? Friend. Hanging out every now and again, occasionally screwing? Friend. Mommy brings home a new man? Well that might be Uncle, but you get the picture lol. When introducing your FB to someone you don't say "This is that dude I was tellin you about. You know the one I have mind blowing sex with but absolutely no emotional attachment to? Yeah this is him!" You say "This is my FRIEND *insert unimportant name here*."

It all comes down to what those labels mean. "Friend" has become a black box term meaning ABSOLUTLEY nothing in most cases. There is little common ground, only the understanding that I can do whatever the hell I please and you can't say a dam thing. Now put boy or girl in front of it and I have the right to smack the sh*t out of you if I catch you walking down the street hugged up on some hussy! Oops that was your sister? My bad! Lol.

My need to define and label my relationships comes from my desire to know where I stand. I don't care if you treat me the way you would treat your wife. If we haven't established what we are to each other, I'm gonna eternally feel some type of way. If you are reluctant to do so, I'm out. My rationale: if you're holding it so close to your chest and are reluctant to label what we have, it's obviously important to you and you don't feel I'm important enough to get the title. Sure I could wait around, but that's futile. I know one thing for certain and two things for sure, when two people want completely different things, it will never work.

Dating and Such: Hesi and Connect Four

So Batman came over last night. It was an unexpected but very pleasant suprise. His birthday was last week and I agreed to make him a cake but he stood me up twice. Granted he had "valid" reasons both times, but let's be real, when you make plans and you are looking forward to them no reasons are valid but hospitalization and/or death. Anywho, I had fun. It was real comfortable. I was baking he was chillin. He even did something I'd been craving forever: he came up behind me and kissed me on my neck. Mmmmmm, NICE. There was no nookie, I'm on time out. He joked about coming a day earlier. Bad joke. Nice to know he's interested in seeing me for other things right? He redeemed himself through out the night though. He stayed til 12 when he originally said he couldn't stay long. We played Connect Four, I asked him some random questions and he went home. It was nice.

Dating and Such: The Bat Cave

It's been a week and your girl has been busy! I've been avoiding this a little because I didn't wanna fess up, but I started a blog titled No Sex in the City, and then I went and had sex in the city. Yeah that's right. I did it. I caved. Batman is one tricky son of a... ok can't really blame it on Batman, though he did have his part, it was all my doing. I made the call knowing what it would lead to. It happened last Friday. After a long day of work and social obligations, I found myself driving to his house 12 in the morning and going home the next day. As if I didn't already know this, I realized that not having sex is easy as long as you don't have to actively not have it.

I would have prefered not to give out coochie a la carte (shout out to Patrice lol), but I let my hormones get the best of me. I can admit I made a mistake, no matter how much I enjoyed it lol. My head just isn't in the right place for no strings attached sex right now. It hasn't been for YEARS hence the last two, 9 months and 1 year, sexual hiatuses. I let my hormones get the best of me and now my head has to do damage control. Now I have to decide and figure out and make moves, and blah blah blah blah blah. I don't really have the energy for all that. Seeing that were are clearly headed down that road, I did manage to do one intelligent thing. We had THE talk with him a couple of days before it happend. I told him that sex with me came with certain obligations. While I didn't expect to be his girl, hell I'm not even convinced I wanna be, I would not be on anybodies list. I was either the entire list or nothing at all. He understood or at least he said he did, and now here we are.

So Batman...yeah I like him. I mean I know all the basics and then some about dude, but now I'm in a place where I have to figure out if the warm fuzzy feeling I get when he calls me comes from the head or the crotch. Not a fun place to be. He called me last night "just to hear my voice" and that was incredibly sweet. Too bad I was half sleep so I couldn't fully comprehend what he was saying. Eh, if it's at all possible, I'm just gonna take it slow and see where it goes.

As for the rest of the peanut gallery, WHATEVER.

Why am I single? Dear Abby

I have been the single one among my friends for as long as I can remember. Because of this, I try my hardest not to be THAT girlfriend. You know the one all up in er'body elses business because she aint got none of her own. Funny thing is, my friends and sometimes even their significant others, bring me in it anyway. I've been put on the spot and asked who I agree with in the middle of a disagreement more than once. Yet and still, I am always surprised that people actively seek my advice considering my own love life is almost always either non-existent or in total disarray. I mean just Saturday night, I got a call from my best friends boy friend asking me "What the fuck is wrong with your girlfriend?" Umm...yeah ok. Apparently she was standing right there and was not too happy about that AT ALL. My advice to him: Maybe you should ask her.

I talk a real good game. I'm objective, empathetic, logical...and that's on a bad day. I got out of that side-with-your-friends-because-they-are-your-friends stage long ago and maybe that's why people come to me. Hand holding can actually be more damaging than a swift kick in the rear. I've mastered the art of seeing things from the other persons perspective. I know that people are different and just because you handle things in a certain way, that doesn't mean that everyone else does. In addition, I RARELY utter the words "if" and "then" together as in "If he loved you then..." I know that people love differently and the trick is to find someone who loves you in a way that you can understand and feel. So with all that, why then do I become a socially retarded idiot the minute it's my heart on the line? All my Dr. Philisms go out the window the minute I become emotionally invested. It's like what's the point in knowing CPR or the Heimlich if you can't use it on yourself?

An Exhale and a Sigh: Liar Dude

I met another dude on yahoo personals. THIS dude!! So he sends me an IM and we chat a lil and the more I talk to him, the more I realize that there were a lot of inconsistencies between what he was saying now and what was in his profile. When I asked him about it, he dismissed it with a "You can't go by what's in that profile" WTF?! Are you serious? What the hell am I supposed to go by? Who the hell am I talkin to? At some point, he stopped sending me messages. Later that evening, he tells me he was hit by a tractor trailer. His car is mangled, but he's fine. He then proceedes to tell me of his plans to sue. He's not hurt AT ALL. He reasons by saying becuase it's a company he's going to sue, but otherwise, he'd let it slide because he wouldn't want anyone to do that to him. O-K...and the guy that might loose his job behind this? Whatever. So I summise that he's a liar. Not a good look AT ALL. Then today, a few minutes ago actually, we had another conversation, and a recap just won't do it any justice, so here are the good parts...

mahogany brown: your profile says you work in education/research

mahogany brown: seems to be a couple of things that were less than accurate

mahogany brown: what gives?

liar dude: u still going by that damm profile??

mahogany brown: Umm that's what you had up there to tell me who you are isn't it?

liar dude: most of that stuff aint accurate

liar dude: but i am getting my BS in psych and minoring in education

liar dude: i will be getting my masters and doctorate's in behavioral psych so i can teach college level courses

liar dude: thats education enough

mahogany brown: yeah but that' s where you PLAN to be, not where you ARE

liar dude: lets say i didnt work

liar dude: my occupation then would be student. that falls into line with "education/research"

mahogany brown: well there was an option to put student

liar dude: i feel that people that say they are from west phila actually live in west phila not east bumbafuck, pa

mahogany brown: no see the operative word young man would be FROM. You aren’t asking where do you LIVE

liar dude: well to ME (as you so poignantly put it) thats just playing with vocabulary

mahogany brown: I could see that if from and live were anywhere NEAR each other in the spectrum of the English language

mahogany brown: Now. Back the matter at hand

mahogany brown: YOU misrepresented, and now I am just trying to figure out why

mahogany brown: what are you looking for

mahogany brown: why do you even have a profile on yahoo?

liar dude: so if someone says "hey where are you from" you are going to say "west phila" no matter where you live at that time

mahogany brown: Yup because if I move to ATLANTA I'm not going to tell someone I'm FROM ATLANTA because THAT'S NOT WHERE I GREW UP

liar dude: if you live in France in the next 10 years and some ugly stinking french man asks "i love your American accent; where are you from the first thing that will come out of your mouth will be WEST PHILLY!?!?!

liar dude: thats crazy yo!

mahogany brown: Once again you are reaching

mahogany brown: If I am asked LOCALLY where I'm from, I'm going to reply Philly particularly if the person is from Philly themselves which most times is the assumption

liar dude: he would look at you like you were insane

liar dude: i could have sworn i said frenchman

liar dude: anyway

liar dude: i want to meet someone smarter and sexier than me

mahogany brown: So if that's the case then why lie about who you are?

mahogany brown: If I would have contacted you based on the info I read I would be pissed to find out most of what I read was a LIE

liar dude: ok. those profiles (to me) are not held in very high regard. i look at the picture, check the locality, then age, and then proceed i dont read less than half that stuff and even if i did i wouldnt consider you a liar if some of that stuff was incorrect

mahogany brown: and ok, assuming that most people take the same approach, it makes even less sense to put false info

liar dude: it wasnt false

mahogany brown: If I'm the person who put that up there, then what else do you call it if I'm supposed to be tellin about myself

mahogany brown: You said you were 29 but you're 27 correct?

liar dude: its inaccurate

mahogany brown: you said you have a degree but you're still in school correct

liar dude: i would say that you must have been up real late filling that stuff out

mahogany brown: not even

mahogany brown: I mean I just don't get it

mahogany brown: you a cool dude, you got big plans, you makin moves to achieve them

mahogany brown: no need for the embellishment or half truths

liar dude: ok the bible embellishes and it is the greatest book ever written

mahogany brown: you have got to be kidding me

mahogany brown: why are you trying to goad me?

liar dude: u have to admit that

mahogany brown: WE AINT TALKIN BOUT THE BIBLE!!!

mahogany brown: We talkin bout you

liar dude: we arent?

mahogany brown: ok Imma bout to choke you

mahogany brown: we talkin bout apples and you bringin up bowlin balls!

liar dude: well u didnt deny it so u know i am right

liar dude: the bible exaggerates some stories to make a point

liar dude: just like me

mahogany brown: Ok on the real, if you were my dude I’d kill you

mahogany brown: seriously

Shortly after that he stopped responding. I wonder why?

Dating and Such: New Names

So Thic was talkin ish about Myspace Guy and said he looks like a broke down Marcus Houston lmao! I don't see it, but he has taken to referring to him as Batman lol. I like this name much better. He's also donned Myspace Boy with the moniker Nate Dogg. So from this day forth, I will now be referring to them as Batman and Nate Dogg lol.

An Exhale and a Sigh: What dreams may come...

So last night I had the STRANGEST dream EVER. I rarely ever remember my dreams, but when I do, I always wonder what my subconcious is hiding. Here's what happened:

I have this girlfriend who is Muslim and her husband went out and married another woman without her consent or knowledge. My girlfriend and he have a 1 almost 2 year old dughter together and he's been married to the other chick for almost a year. Her husband is an azzhole even without the second wife and was one even back when they were just boyfriend and girlfriend. Last night, I had a dream that he killed her. She was hangin out with me and my best friend and was talkin to this guy who I was trying to holla at, but she either cock blocked (reminiscent of when we were younger) or he just wanted her and not me, can't remember. Anyway, she hooked up with the guy, I told her to be careful because I didn't want her husband to find out, but somehow he did. He DECAPITATED her. And what was REALLY weird, I had the HEAD!!! I picked it up and dropped it on the floor!!! I can still hear the thud it made lol. I wasn't cryin or anything. I was a little freaked, but I can't remember a chunk after that. The next thing I know, I was runnin around my apartment trying to kill slugs. I didn't have salt so I was trying to slow them down with hairspray or cleaner, or spray starch or something. They didn't move slow like normal. They moved like roaches. You know how you get a shoe or something to kill one and turn back around only it's nowehre to be found. That was how they were. And that was it. Weird huh?

So I looked up some key elements from my dream and here's what I found:

Slugs
To see slugs in your dream, indicates that you are progressing through life in a slow, steady, and persistent manner. You may be moving painfully slowly toward a goal.

Ok, so maybe since the slugs were moving faster than they should it means that I think I'm moving slow, but I'm actually moving a bit too fast...hmmm interesting!!! Oh in the dream, they all eventually died on their own and I just scooped them up and put them in the trash.

Death
To dream about the death of a loved one, suggests that you are lacking a certain aspect or quality that the loved one embodies. Ask yourself what makes this person special or what do you like about him. It is that very quality that you are lacking in your own relationship or circumstances. Alternatively, it indicates that whatever that person represents has no part in your own life.

Considering my girlfriends current situation, I would say the last part hit the nail on the head.

Decapitation
To dream that you are decapitated, indicates that you are not thinking clearly and are refusing to see the truth. You need to confront the situation or the person despite the pain and discomfort you might feel in doing so. The dream also suggests that you have the tendency to act before you think.

I'm not sure what to make of this since she was the one decapitated, but this in conjunction with the above info, I'm going to guess it means I don't want to be blindsided by love and make a bad decision about the men I let in my life like her.

Infidelity
To dream of infidelity (either by you or someone else), forewarns of your actions with the opposite sex or you will suffer dire consequences. You are harboring guilt over a sexual relationship. Alternatively, you may feel unsatisfied with your current relationship and want to seek a more exotic sex life.

So here is the interesting part! Is Myspace Guy bad for me? Do I subconciously feel guilty about our little tyrst? Apparently! Oh Lawd, I can't take this!!

Just a Question: You aint got ta lie!

If I let you get so far the last time I saw you, does it really automatically mean I'll let you get further the next time?

Are you REALLY going to try and have sex with me EVERY TIME I see you? I mean I understand and all, but DAMN.

Are you going to be mad when you realize I'm not having sex with you tonight?

Did you really ask me what are we going to be doing while the cake is baking? Freakin ingrate.

Did I really catch feelins over a comment on Myspace? Damn…

But really though, in my best Joi from Friday voice, “You aint got to lie Craig, you aint got to lie. Now teeeelllll me who she was?”

You had 10 questions. You could have asked me ANYTHING and I would have answered truthfully. Was your first one really "When am I going to get my cupcake?"

So you really think you can handle my pyromania? Not sure if I even want to let you...

Why do I continue to go out with people I’m not into? I can't be that bored, or pressed, or lonely, or affection starved can I?

If he called today, would I go running back? Probably...

Why am I single? Maybe it's because...

I hate doing dishes. I wait until my kitchen looks like a battle ground before cleaning it most of the time. Disgusting I know...

I could be perfectly happy eating a PB&J or a bowl of cereal for dinner. I don't mind cooking for others, I actually like it, but I'll eat whatever's handy. If I was living with someone, it would only be a matter of time before I stopped cooking and they were subjected to this lol.

Sometimes I won't take advice just because I hate being told what to do.

I have an "If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself" attitude.

I'm easy. I don't put up a fight or a chase. If you like me and I like you, why the charade?

I don't have sex, but I like to get as close to it as possible. I'll go as far as a guy will take it until I don't wanna go anymore.

I don't know how to let people help me, or ask for help.

I only recently stopped trying to be "perfect". I just figured out who I am and that my imperfections are what make me interesting.

Dating and Such: Pumping my brakes

Didn't hook up with Myspace boy this weekend, he said he wanted to wait until he went back to school since it's closer to me. Whatever. He's beginning to bore me to be honest. I can tell he really likes me though. He calls me everyday and told me that some of my mishaps wouldn't have happened to me had I been on the phone with him. Ok. What to do, what to do? I hate rejecting people. I'm so bad at it. Usually I just try to make them want to walk away from me, but to be honest, it's hard and this doesn't always work because I'm pretty friggin fabulous.

Any who, it's happening. I'm really starting to like Myspace Guy. I'm thinking about him more and more and when my phone rings, I hope that its him and smile when it is. Damn. My playa card is in serious danger of being revoked. It's only been a day! I just started this blog! WTH?! Got me talkin bout bakin this negro a cake for his birthday and everything. A damn mess!! I'm so ashamed of myself. I realized that before things go any further, we have to have a discussion about what we are "looking for" and what our "expectations" are. Ugh, I'm disgusted even thinking about it. I've already let him know that I'm not looking to be anybody's jump off but I think I need to reiterate that point. Plus I need to find out where his head is because if it's one thing I know it's that when two people want two completely different things, it can never work. Oh hell I'm talkin about things "working"! I need to slow down before I bang out!

Dating and Such: Pyromania and the Walk of Shame

So yesterday Myspace Guy invited me over his house. I was on my way downtown to see my Wifey (LB, my really good friend) for her birthday when I got the invite via text. He has a house in Northeast Philly and I was pleasantly surprised by how well it was put together. I mean minus the Town and Country wreath on his front door, that I hope is the doing of his mother or the previous owners, it was a really nice bachelor pad. Complete with flat screen TV and leather couches, it was clean, didn't at all smell funny or foul and sparsely but nicely decorated. I'm always impressed when a guy gets his "grown man" on.

We chatted, cuddled on the couch, watched TV, laughed and chilled. Eventually, he kissed me and surprisingly enough, I wasn't at all bothered by the height disparity. Maybe because I was barefoot. We sat back on the couch and continued to cuddle, then I popped a mint and it was on. Things got a bit heated. My bra was unfastened and I ended up having to move to a chair and take a time out. This would have been the perfect opportunity to leave. Make a graceful exit, and go home, but I'm a pyromaniac and just love to play with fire. What did I do instead? I straddled him and started kissing him again. SMH. After a while another time out was in order, but this time I banished myself to the bottom of the steps hoping to create more distance. Didn't work. He came over and heavy makin (do people still call it that?) out ensued. He ran to first, rounded second, stole third and begged to slide into home but I wasn't having it. I did not involuntarily abstain for the last 9 months only to bang some random guy. I mean he hasn't even bought me diner yet!

We did eventually move upstairs, but I spent the rest of the night fighting to keep my pants on because I knew if they came off the celibacy count would rewind back to zero. I like being able to say it's been 9 months, but I don't like how this feels AT ALL. The last 9 months have been pretty easy since I haven't had any REAL prospects but now the hard part begins. I asked him how long had it been since he had sex and apparently the question threw him off. I could tell he was debating over whether or not to tell me the truth. His immediate reaction was "What kind of a question is that?" My response: "A valid one." He told me "I don't think you can handle the answer." I took a guess "What yesterday?" Apparently it was in February but I aint buying it. Why would I not be able to handle your last sexcapade being over a month ago? Maybe because it was really a week and you knew that would definitely kill any chance you thought you had of "sealing the deal"? Just a guess.

I didn't make it home until 10:30 this morning. Did the walk of shame in yesterdays work gear. It's always funny to me coming home a day later in the same clothes. Not sure how I feel about it all. I mean I "like him", but I don't "like him like him" you know? I'm still going out with Myspace Boy if we can get together and I'll hold off on picking out china patterns for now lol. We'll see what develops...

An Exhale and a Sigh: Shacking Up

I was listening to the radio this morning and they were talking about to shack up or not to shack up. I missed the begining of the conversation, so I initally thougt it was just about whether or not to live together before getting married, but there seemed to be another facet of whether or not to get married at all. I think these are two completely seperate issues and cause for two different conversations.

If marraige isn't for you, then shack up till the cows come home. I aint mad at you, HOWEVER, it has to be something both parties agree upon. If one of them is secretly hoping the other will change their mind, it's going to blow up in their face like Pearl Harbor.

If marraige is the end game for both parties, I say no shacking up. Those who argue for cohabitation usually say they need to see how the other party lives and if they can fit into their living style, but seriously is that really neccessary? I don't live with any of my close friends and I know how their cleaning habits are, how their cooking habits are, and how they are about paying bills. Didn't take a year of living with them to figure that out. Bottom line, if you're in a realtionship that is open and honest and both parties are transparent about their lives, then the living situtation won't matter. May be a little idealistic but that's me, the eternal idealist.

And the cohost has been with his "babymama/babymuva/BM" for 7 years! They have multiple children together and he STILL has not married her. She out her damn mind! There is NO WAY in this world I would EVER stay with the same guy 7 years and we aint married. WTH?! I'm not staying with the same guy for 2 years and we aint gettin married. If I'm not having sex and you aint tryna wife me after two years, then what the hell are we doin?

Dating and Such: Introducing Myspace Boy

Name: Myspace Boy (not to be confused with Myspace Guy)
Age:23
Height: 6'3
Occupation: Student @ Del State
How we met: Another Myspace venture

So I had been chatting with him for months online. Nothing deep just the occasional flirtatious message and trash talk. Last Friday I took it to the phones cuz I had a cake to bake and I like a little company on the phone for a late night baking session. Talked to him til 3 in the morning. Not the most stimulating conversation, but it filled a need. I've talked to him pretty much everyday since, once again, filling a need. We have a movie date this weekend, but no concrete plans. I'd like to also spend some time with Myspace Guy, but that may be pushing it. Told him about the sex thing, but I can tell he's one of those, "I'm the exception to the rule" type dudes. Makes references to sex occasionaly, but he's 23, what should I expect? He reminds me of R, the aerobics instructor I had a fling with years ago. When I look at his pic, I'm briefly taken back there and in that moment, he could sooooooo get it.

Moving On: Binge and Purge

Finally letting go...
Made my last call
Sent my last text message
Deleted all emails to and from him
Erased him from the address book
Deleted every picture and emptied the recycling bin
Removing him from my friends list tonight (damn Websense at work is messing up my flow)
Deleted every call entry and text message from my cell

Now if I could just...
Stop glancing at the phone
Forget his email address
Erase the call details from my cell phone bill
Forget his Myspace address and screen name
Get my heart to stop pounding EVERTIME the phone rings or I open my email...

I’ll be good.

Dating and Such: Introducing Myspace Guy

Name: Myspace Guy
Age: 28
Height: 5’8
Profession: Social Worker
How we met: You guessed it, Myspace

So last night Myspace Guy came over. It was the first time we actually met in person. He said he doesn’t do blind dates so he wanted to see me before he actually paid to take me out. Umm, ok whatever. I guess I passed the test because he asked me what I was doing this weekend. No concrete plans have been made. He’s hard headed as all get out! He wouldn’t even take directions to get to the Honeycomb Hideout. Figured he could find it on his own and ended up going the wrong way. This could potentially be a problem in the future. I cooked cuz I had to eat so he got dinner by default. Eh, he was ok company. Decided while he was there that if I was having sex he could get it…after a few dates of course. Had a few dirty thoughts, stared at his crotch a time or two and when I hugged him goodbye was pleasantly surprised to feel something poking me and disappointed to find it was only his jacket lol. Ultimately, I think I just liked having some testosterone in the air. It’s been a MIN-UTE, and it shows! At least not in a way he could see I hope. This celibacy thing is becoming too much. “Self-Love” of the physical and emotional variety is getting a bit stale. I need rough hands, a deep voice, a firm grip, a naughty smile and compliments whispered softly in my ear. Going to cool off now…

Why am I single?: My Resume

I've seen "wifey applications", and heard men talk about them a time or two, so I thought I'd just put my resume out there for headhunters seeking qualified candidates to fill vacant postions. I'm looking for a career, not a job. My salary requirements are endless love, respect, consideration, and honesty. If you're interested in having me join your team, please feel free to contact me.

Mahogany Brown
1400 Anywhere Blvd Apt C339 Philadelphia, PA 19151 Cell: 267-555-5555
Email: mahogany.brown@blogger.com

Objective
To obtain the position of wifey, taking care of home and pleasing my mate whenever and however I can, with a man that is able and willing to profess, provide and protect.

Key Qualifications

• Thoughtful and considerate, I am prone to buy gifts “just because”
• Trustworthy and trusting, you never have to worry about me snooping or cracking voicemail codes.
• Encouraging and supportive, I’ll be your biggest cheerleader, but will be honest enough to tell you if you need to pursue other avenues or ventures.
• Energetic and fun, I know how to have a good time.

Education

Betty Crocker Institute
Philadelphia PA,
B.A in “From Scratch” Cooking
Minor in Cake Decorating

Lou Paget University
Philadelphia, PA
B.S. in Eye Rolling, Toe Curling Techniques
Magna cum Laude, 4.0 GPA

Parental Units Charm School
Philadelphia, PA
Licensed in Winning Mothers over and Making Fathers Proud of Their Son

EBay Academy
Philadelphia, PA,
Certified in Looking Fly on a Budget, and Walking in Stilettos All Day

Relationship Highlights

Supporter and Confidant
Preacher Man, Brentwood, NY
Responsibilities included:

• Late night phone calls of reassurance, motivation and occasional adult entertainment
• Sweet emails to let him know I was thinking of him
• Accepting his busy schedule, while trying to promote growth in our relationship

Down Ass
Chick 29 yr old Ex-Con College Boy, Philadelphia PA
Responsibilities included:

• Trying to turn an 8 year friendship into a relationship
• Giving him money to put gas in his car
• Buying him groceries because he was fiscally challenged

Surrogate Mother and Friend
Mama and Daddy’s Baby Boy, Philadelphia PA
Responsibilities included:

• Cuddling with him and caring for him when he got sick
• Patiently explaining things two or three times because of his bad memory
• Staying fully clothed while downstairs in case his parents stopped by unannounced

Freelance Clients

• None worth mentioning

Useful Knowledge

• Men like to feel like they are needed
• What’s a first down
• Men and women are different and as a result handle things differently
• What happens when a player gets a technical foul
• Men are not mind readers
  
• Where to put the ball if you scratch

Moving On: Stuck on Band Aid Brand

I have this really bad habit. It’s been with me practically my entire dating life. I tend to use one guy with another in an effort to “get over” a failed relationship. Kind of like a band aid, you know, patching up the hurt. Maybe it’s because a failed relationship feels like rejection. I end up looking for that lost validation in the arms of another man. Sadly, I’m in danger of doing it again.




Let’s see how far back I can go with this…
D broke my heart, so I patched it up with T
T got on my nerves so I went back to D
D could never really figure out how to act,
So I moved on to Q determined not to look back
Q was a damn fool so I started seeing J
Met him in school on a cool fall day
J was my baby but couldn’t make up his mind,
So I hooked up wit JW, good Lawd he was fine
J got jealous, tried come back on the block
But he couldn’t find space so he had to kick rocks
Things with JW eventually feel apart
So I moved on to F, looking for a new start
Things with F never got that far,
But that was OK, dude didn’t have a car
Found myself once again back in the arms of J
His stroke game was mean, what more can I say?
Once again his fickle nature would drive me insane
So I decided to keep it movin no more playing games
Took some time to heal, but then Q came back
Figured, “3 years is enough time to learn how to act”
So sad to say enough time hadn’t past
Cuz he ended up needing a swift kick in the ass
Once again found myself all on my own
Thought I was ok because I was grown
But then turned around and made the same young mistakes
Foolishness from these men, how much more would I take?
A lot more apparently because D returned
Fire may be pretty but it hurts when you’re burned
Had to let him go, this time for good
He could never love me, I finally understood
Devastated and depressed I stumbled on R
An aerobics instructor, made me feel like a star
He was a fling, a jump off, an FB
No to be taken too seriously
Then I found a good guy, his name was A
Had too many issues, might have been gay
Parted ways with him, reconnected with J
Don’t know why I sent him an email that day
Oh the stroke game that’s it, I just couldn’t forget
Relationship takes more than getting your panties wet
So I finally let go cuz nothing had changed
Still the same selfish bastard who played too many games
Hooked up with DK, my best friends cousin
Not sure how that happened cuz into him I sure wasn’t
Told him I wanted a relationship without sex
Of course he wasn’t wit it so I moved to the next
Then there was B, a friend from the past
Loved him to death, but knew wouldn’t last
This time was my fault, we were having a good time
But C caught my eye while I was online
Browsing myspace not looking for much,
Just having fun thought that was enough
Sent him a message, we started to chat
Broke things off with B, I know the reason was wack
Now C is acting like he aint got no sense
Heartbroken again I just can’t do this
I bared my soul; put it all on the line
Experienced true love for the very first time
But such is life some things come to and end
I don’t think I’ll use another man again
It’s just to exhausting and doesn’t really work
Cuz when there’s no one there, you’re still left with the hurt

Just a Question: El Corazon

I’m probably alone on this, but why does hearing “I love you” make you want to ask stupid questions like “Why do you love me?” and “Are you sure?” and my favorite “So how do you love me? Is it like a friend, a distant cousin, a nosey neighbor or what?” Maybe that’s what happens when someone says it but doesn’t show it, or at least doesn’t show it in a way you can understand. Just a question…

I know we all love differently but some things are pretty universal right? Just a question…

If the heart is deceitful above all things, then why do people tell you to listen to it? How do you know when it’s telling the truth? Just a question…

If you’ve changed, shouldn’t you give others the benefit of the doubt since you know change is possible? Just a question…

What do you do when you want things to go back to the way they were, but you want them to be different? Just a question…

Ever done something knowing that it was a VERY bad idea? I mean looked in the mirror and told yourself, “You’re a damn fool”. Just a question…

What do you do if you think someone’s lying to you, but you have no proof? Do you wait for them to mess up? Try to catch them in a lie? Isn’t that exhausting? Just a question…

An Exhale and a Sigh: Online Dating

Joined Yahoo Personals in an effort to move on with my life. Yeah ok. My mother and grandmother would die, or kill me, if they knew I was looking for a date on the "internets" lol!

What's with the dudes on there who say things like "I'm looking for someone to 'have fun with' and if it goes somewhere else, so be it." I'm not sure about any other female on there, but I did not pay 24.95 to find an FB! WTH?! I can find that for free on Myspace!!


Looking through the photo gallery is like looking for my attacker in a book of mug shots. Why the serious face? Do black men really have nothing to smile about? I mean it's not even pensive looks, deep concentration, or deep thoughts. It's straight up, "Please remove your shoe laces".

OK, maybe I am a stickler for grammar, after all I did work with a writing company for a number of years, BUT seriously, are some of these dudes reading their profiles before they submit them? Typos are excusable, but when you write "I'm a former athletic" that's a problem. What is it you do again? And you got your degree from where? And you make 50-75k a year? RIIIIGHTTTT...

Reading the kind of women these men are looking for makes me feel fat sometimes. They all want, skinny, slim, slender, thin, athletic, fit and any other adjective that's the opposite of me. I am thickka than a milkshake and just as tasty and satisfying...

OK, I love the Lord, really I do, HOWEVER, our common love for the Lord does not a realtionship make. I mean you are 5'5 with a high school diploma, making less than 25k a year and you have kids. Pardon me if I don't respond to your message. Some say I'm shallow, I never learned to swim...

Excuse me but if you aint interested that's fine by me, but don't stop by my profile after I send you a message asking if you were at all interested and giving you a way out, and not respond to my message. That's just rude!!!

Feel so bad that I had to tell funny looking dude there were no sparks. He asked if his height was a problem, he's 5'7 soI told him it was, but truth be told if he was fine he could have been a leparchaun and I would have at least tried. I mean he wasn't even a good conversatioanlist. Lookin like he did you would think he would at least have that going for him. Damn that was bad.

One guy acutally looked like hennesy smells as Eye put it. That was horrible, but too funny! He came up in my search for 25-37 year old men, and I thought it was a mistake! Then there was the guy that was "looking for an older woman" but looked like he should have been looking for an older man. I'm working on not being so judgemental...

Considered taking a hoalistic approach and responding to everyone that emailed me and chatting, but thought better of it.

Actually talked to one guy and he couldn't shut up about his car! Dale Ernhardt, blah, b blah,wheelie bars, blah, blah, blah, horsepower, blah, blah, blah, detailing my car, blah, blah, blah. He started out to be as entertaining as dryer lint(shout out to E). Took at least ten minutes before asking me another question. Tried to give hints to let him know I wasn't interested in talking about cars, but he missed them. I mean if I say "Everything you're saying sounds like Greek to me" take the hint! He even laughed at me because I said I wanted a Passat. Yeah ok. Oh and the icing on the cake, He's a REPUBLICAN. Now I don't expect every black man I meet to be a Dem, but whenlah, you say things like "We need to get Jeb Bush in office" I gotta delete your number. SMH

Who starts a conversation off asking if I'm a girl? WTH? And what the hell is with the kindergarten rainbow 16 point font? You're 39!!! You have got to be kidding me! And another midget to boot!

This will all be over in a month...