This is different...The Randomness

I haven't posted in a little while, not because I haven't wanted to, but mainly because I haven't had much to write about. At this point in time, I have absolutely no one in the rotation, AND I have no plans on taking action to change that. I don't even have a crush right now. I'm actually enjoying being left alone for a lil bit.

I've been hit on by attractive men a couple times in the past week and didn't even think twice about telling them I wasn't interested. Something might be wrong with me lol. I've always been a sucker for a pretty face if nothing else.

Natedogg called me the other night. I didn't know who he was because my cell phone died and I didn't have his number stored on my sim card to put it in the new one. He joked about me lying about it when I told him why I didn't know who he was. I didn't even wanna exert the energy to give him the "It is what it is...take it or leave it" attitude or go along with his joke. He got dead silence.

Methuselah’s old ass hit me up last week too. I just don't get it. How is it that you don't call me, never made any real effort to come and see me, don't email, text, smoke signal or release carrier pigeons for like weeks, and then you wanna chat like its all good? I mean really? Is that how they did it in the olden days? Whatever sir, please vacate the premises (my mother taught me to respect my elders lol).

I'm still looking for Future Ex Boyfriend at the gym!! I'm a lil heartbroken every time I go and don't see him :o(

I had a dream a few nights ago about two ex boyfriends. Can't remember the details, but I do know that they were both trying to "explain" themselves and their behavior. After one was done, every time the other one began to talk something would happen to distract me or to stop him from being able to say what he had to say. I remember the feeling of hoping what he had to say was good and enjoying the idea of choosing between the two.

A new guy in my building hit on me and even though he was really cute nicely cut up, I politely declined. I'm just not cool with sh*ting where I eat. You could be psycho and you already know where I live. Yeah, I think I'll pass. The weirdest thing was when he asked me did I know why he was hitting on me. My response was, with the flourish of a hand, "HELLO!"

I am officially on strike from sex. I know what you're thinking: "But you already don't have it!" and that is correct. BUT I am now on strike from even wanting it. I used to be horny ALL THE TIME and could do very little about it. Being celibate does suck and it's not fun. I won't even front like I don't envy folks who can have guilt free, responsibility free sex. I just have been feeling inundated and overwhelmed by the culture of it as of late. You turn on the radio: sex. Turn on the TV: sex. Pop in a movie: sex. Call up a friend: sex. Send an email: sex. Get on IM: sex. SEX SEX SEX!!! There is such a thing as too much of a good thing. I need a break.

I think my above feelings are directly related to my feelings about men as of late. I love them, but they are exhausting. Wanting them when you don't have them, having them when you don't want them; I crave middle ground.

Finally, a little humor...

Many years ago, a beloved Pope died and went to heaven. Saint Peter greeted him in a firm embrace. "Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven. Is there anything which your holiness desires?"

"Well, yes," the Pope replied. "I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said, without the dimming of memories over time."St. Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the history of humanity's relationship with God.

Two years later, a scream of anguish pierced the quiet of the library. Immediately several of the saints and angels came running.

They found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, repeating over and over: "There's an 'R'. There's an 'R.' There's an 'R'... It's CELIBRATE, not celibate!"

Today's Top Ten: Why I look forward to marraige

As a single person you have to learn to do lots of things for yourself because quite frankly if you don't they just won't get done. Of course I look forward to marriage for all those lovey-dovey saccriney sweet reasons like companionship, support, love, blah, blah, blah, but there are some other perks to marriage that I am looking forward to; more superficial benefits to the holy union of marriage if you will. Here are the top ten things I am looking forward to in marriage:

10. Having someone to open things
I have a bottle of nail polish that I have not been able to open since I bought it…8 years ago!! Why I still have it is another story, but if I was married, I’d have been walking around with mint green toes long ago. Maybe not being able to get it open was divine intervention…hmm…lol

9. Having an in house moving company
I’ve moved couches, beds, TV’s, tables…all kinds of heavy crap by myself. I have no problem calling for help when something is too heavy but that means I have to wait for someone to come and help me and that’s definitely no fun! It will be nice to have someone to call on who's only a room away :o)

8. Having a live in Orkin man
I can kill all the creepy crawly things I may see, but that doesn’t mean I want to. While I’m not too squeamish, cockroaches skeeve me out enough for me to scream and there is nothing worse than seeing one, going to kill it and it’s faster than you. *shudders* I expect hubby to be about the business of extermination and to reassure me that I can put my feet down now lol.

7. To have a personal massue
I get tired of rubbing my own feet and other parts that occasionally need some special attention. A helping hand goes a long way.

6. To have a psuedo mechanic around the house
Outside of knowing when to get my oil changed, my knowledge of car care is nil. I was pulled over on the side of the road at 1:00am in the morning once feverishly reading my car manual trying to figure out what a break lamp was and why it was out lol! It’s been months since I’ve gotten my car washed and the interior is in dire need of vacuuming. Men like cars and stuff right? I’d love it if hubby would keep me up, running and clean!

5. To have a personal valet
I can be a little lazy at times. I will try and make one trip with all 7 grocery bags and two large bags of laundry if I can find a way to pull it off…and most times I am able to. Although I’ve become adept at this method of carrying bags and can rival many women in Africa with my balancing skills, I don’t enjoy this at all and I have a couple of different occasions been tempted to spit on men I’ve seen walking past me in my complex without so much as a glance my way while I struggle. Forget mental help and support, I need someone to grab the bags!

4. To have someone to answer "Does this make me look fat?"
I value a second opinion. I don’t always listen to it, but I still value it. I have no problem asking “Do I look fat in this?” and I want an honest answer too. I have been duped into wearing outfits before that appeared to look good in the early hours of the day in my slightly tilted mirror, only to catch a glimpse of myself later and be like “WTF did I see!!!” I discovered the hard way that skinny jeans aint for everybody lol. An in house opinion would have prevented a number or fashion faux pas.

3. To do the dishes
I LOVE to cook. I will be in the kitchen everyday if time permits, however, I will not clean the kitchen. My rule for guest is if I cook then you clean and hubby will be no different. I dislike doing dishes so much that I suspect it’s the culprit behind the infrequency of my culinary exploits now. I will eat a PB&J for dinner in a heart beat or better yet, a bowl of cereal lol!

2. Sex on demand
When I get married I’m going to be like the big dude from Life jackin folks for cornbread when it comes to sex lol. It will go something like “It’s the third first week of the month!! Brace yaself fool!!” as I put him in a full nelson and remove his pants with my feet lol!!! After trying to be celibate for three years, plus however long it takes me to get hitched, I’m going to be on “ready, set…” all day every day lol.

1. Splitting the bills
This is the ab-so-lute best thing ever about being married. I get to live in a bigger better place and STILL keep loot in my pockets because we split the bills! Man I can’t get married fast enough! This is probably the best argument for downright shacking up!

New School of Thought...

I’m adopting a new school of thought, a new line of action. I’m not about to play games or put up walls making it close to impossible to get next to me, its just that the two way street that used to be the entrance to my heart is now a roundabout. It’s a little more complex, requires you to pay close attention and to know EXACTLY where you’re going. I’m convinced people only value what they have to work for and while I loathe the chase, history has shown me it’s the only way to properly gauge a mans sincerity. Fall back, see if he notices. See how long it takes him to bring up going out. Keep the amount of times you call him directly proportionate to the amount of times he calls you. Stupid ish like that. I guess putting it all out on the table is too much to ask for. I guess asking or expecting someone to be vulnerable is too much to ask for.

I wanna be chased. I want to be the one being catered to for a change. Even if I am interested, I want a man to continue showing me why I should be. I’m not asking for much. What I want isn’t hard to give nor is it out of the question. I just want a man to see the value in having me around and to work to keep me there because that’s what I do. It’s only fair I get the same in return.

Bye Natedogg

I was driving minding my own business yesterday when Natedogg started texting me. He was feeling extra flirty and for a lil bit I played along until we had this exchange:

Natedogg: wat u up 2?
Me: Drivin
Natedogg: Awww 2 go 2 dinner wit me
Me: Umm no to a meetin but if you leave now u can take me to dinner when I'm done
Natedogg: Would love 2 take you out
Me: Yet you haven't...
Natedogg: In due time call me later if you not busy
Me: Not sure how much time you think you got but whatever.

After this exchange I was so annoyed. We have been sending messages back and forth for about a year on Myspace and started talking on the phone back in April. Why haven't I seen you by now? Ok, your car was totaled and you don't have a replacement yet, but you can't be the only one on campus with a car! You don't have friends with cars? When I asked this a while back he said "You know if I borrow their cars then I have to explain to them where I'm going and answer all these questions. They nosey." Hmm, so what your saying is coming to see me isn't worth a couple bucks of gas money and an uncomfortable/irritating conversation? Yeah ok. Sure I could drive to him, but why would I do that? It’s not as if he suggested I drive up he’d give me gas money. Independent woman or not, I am not about to make everything easier for you! I want to be pursued. I want you to convince me to pick you. And quite frankly, I’m not that interested in him in the first place and this bull you’re pulling isn’t helping. I’m officially telling Natedogg his time is up. He can kick rocks.

The Weight of a Man: The Curve be killin em....

Maybe I am moving in reverse. Last night The Dude came by. I haven't seen him since January and haven't had a lengthy conversation with him since February. He was smellin all good and feelin all buff...as usual. I had to work really hard to keep it together. He called me and asked if I was busy and did I have company. I cautiously replied "No" and asked why. He never asks those kinds of questions and never asks to come over either. That's when he showed just how triflin he is. He was calling me because he wanted me to do his hair!! I'd volunteered my services back in January and now he was cashing in. I really need to learn to say “NO” because I let him come through.

Even though I decided that I was no longer interested in him, I was looking forward to having the male energy in my apartment. Sometimes I just crave the testosterone and let me tell you: that craving has a personality of its own! I was practically naked when he called and although we are in the middle of a heat wave, I could have put on something more modest than the booty shorts and wife beater I opted for. Yeah I play too much lol. Also, I could have done his hair standing up with him sitting in a chair, instead of making him sit on the floor between my legs, but what fun would that have been lol? My second personality was basking in the intoxicating mix of his Curve, the weight and heat of his body and the feeling of caring for a man. I was drunk. At one point he fell asleep in my lap and I had to fight the urge to lean down and nibble his neck; the urge to take another shot.

When I was done, he kissed my hands and thanked me. As I stood in front of him in the bathroom, reaching up to adjust his hair, I had to stand on my tip toes and he grabbed my waist, smiled deviously and faked like he was about to slide me back on the sink; another shot. He finally gathered his things and was getting ready to leave. Before he hugged me, I forgot how good his hugs can be. He has these huge arms and he’s been working out so it’s even better than I remembered. You can’t help but feel small and protected in his arms even if only for a second. And that smell! To top it off, he kissed me on the lips twice. Not tongue kisses, just really innocent kisses that come with familiarity; another shot. I managed to keep it together for the most part, but by the time he left, I felt like I was on the losing end of a game of Buzz. I was bent.

When I took my wife beater off, I couldn’t help but take a whiff. I wanted that last drop of him before I went to bed. As I lie there, thinking about his weight, thinking about his smell, I began to detox and my second personality went back into its hiding place to be seen at a later time. When I was sober and in my right mind, I was reminded that his man is not what I want. This man is not what I need.

He likes his hair so much he’s going to pay me to do it every couple of weeks. I’m going to be seeing him every couple of weeks. I’ll be seeing my alter ego every couple of weeks.

A Little History: The Dude

This is a little background on a guy I used to date a few years ago. Lets call him The Dude. We dated for about a month two years ago. We worked in the same building but I'd only see him periodically. I had a HUGE crush on him for like 4 years before that and we had a few false starts before actually moving forward with anything. He's a 6'2 tree trunk of a chocloate bunny with a beautiful smile and one of the nicest bootys I've ever seen on a man. I honestly thought he wasn't checking for me because his vibe was always real...regular. It wasn't flirty or anything, just a "Hi" here and there and K.I.M. Eventually he got it together, and it turns out he stayed away from me because he thought I got too much attention and didn't want to be part of "the pack" as he put it. Color me flattered that he noticed I was the hottest thing in the building lol.

We were finally able to connect only he wasn’t ready for a relationship; big surprise right? He cited work and business obligations as public enemy number 1. Now I'm of the opinion that we all make time for what we want to make time for. If I REALLY want to see someone, I'm gonna make it happen even if I loose sleep as a result. But that's just me. Even with all that, things were good and we were getting along swimmingly. We never had sex, but we used to make out like nobody's business. We’d sit outside his apartment for an hour kissing in the car. Good grief that man's lips and hands! Sometimes I’d leave so horny I’d be dizzy. It was insane. I rememever the very first time I felt his lips on my back and how he picked me up later that night and carried me to the...wait...what was I saying? Oh yeah...So I was trying to do the celibate thing back then too, but I knew the minute I got into a relationship there was going to be so much jumpin-off-of-door-knobs-hanging-from-the-ceiling-fan-freaky-fruit-medley-type sex goin on that I wasn’t even going to try and kid myself. I told him that the next time I had sex it was gonna be with my man. I was done with the casual no strings attached thing. He paid attention. After about a month, he started to fall back…far back. Without warning, he became increasingly hard to get in touch with and he stopped calling me. I don’t beat around the bush, so I asked him outright what was going on. He said work and his business blah-blah-lah. I let it and him go. I’m not a fan of chasing people.

We went back to “Hi” and K.I.M until one day while hocking raffle tickets for church, I sold him one and ended up talking to him for like 2 hours. It was during that conversation that I learned the REAL reason behind his sudden departure. He told me he fell back was because he knew that we were only going to be able to keep it the way it was, making out in the car and keeping it at 2nd base, for so long and that if we had sex I'd be expecting more from him. He knew he couldn't give me what I wanted so he fell back; quite honorable and admirable. I hate when men don’t take responsibility for how their actions are perceived and here was this big fine man being responsible. It only made me want him more, but we never reconnected. He got another job and we lost touch. Then I ran into him one day, we reconnected, but simply as friends.

Back in February, I went to a singles workshop with Kat and we were given a work sheet that asked how we see ourselves and how the men in our lives see us. I wasn’t to sure about the latter part, so I called the men I’m close to and asked them. I asked them about my positive and negative traits. He was one of the people I called. He said a couple of positive things and then he started to lay into me in a way that I wasn't feelin at all. I know you should never ask a question that you don’t want to hear the answer to, but umm, there is such a thing called TACT. I admit I’m a big softy but one thing he said struck a nerve like no other. He said I am a "stranger to adversity". I was like WTF?! First of all, I am the child of a King and as such I am spoiled. I get what I want, but also, I know what food stamps looked like before they gave out those handy lil green and blue cards. I know that 5 and 10 stamps were supposed to be taken DIRECTLY out of the book in front of the merchant. Just because he doesn't hear me complain doesn't mean I don't have anything to complain about. And if you do hear me complain, most times I already KNOW WHAT I GOTTA DO!! I'm just venting to you!! So after a lengthy conversation with him that evening, I realized that my reasoning for keeping him around was STEEPED in ulterior motives and unless I really wanted and valued his friendship, I didn't need it. This time I fell back and I'm sure he realized why without me even having to say it because he didn't really reach out to me much either. There had been an email or two, but no extended exchange. That is until last night…

The Randomness: Mr. Black Person USA

"No Ringy, No Dingy" guy got me his contact info and we emailed a little for a couple of days. He sent me his phone number and I finally gave him a call Sunday evening. I knew from his profile that he was all "fight the power" and "Yay black people!!" so a deep discussion about the state of Black America was inevitable. I just wasn't expecting to have one within the first 15 minutes of talking to him. Granted how we got there was kind of a natural progression of conversation, I just was not in the mood for deep philosophical tug-of-war while in the supermarket. He talked about moving back to Africa and used the phrase "Nigger mentality" quite a few times; I was over it. I'm all about passion, but when folks are extreme it's kind of a turn off. And don't get me wrong I love black folk, but being one and my love for them aren't what define me, nor do hey consume me. And if that first conversation is any indication of what's to come, I'm gonna pass. I don't completely disagree with everything he had to say, but honestly, he just wasn't cute enough to make the transition from being a lil obnoxious to being deep lol. I'm sure if he was fine, I'd be swooning right now and enamored with how much he "loooooovvvveeee some black folk" lol. Whatever. I doubt I'll hear from him again.

Minutes after posting my last entry, I got a text from Batman. Speak of the devil right? He didn't want anything in particular, just "checking on me" as he put it. It was actually nice to hear from him. Especially since there had been a chance I was going to have to call him under very different circumstances lol. Nice to know his response wouldn't have been "And where do I know you from again?" lol. He also called me on Saturday. Don't tell anyone, but I kinda missed him. I called him on Sunday to see if he could do a favor for a friend of mine since it was in his neighborhood and he seemed excited when he thought I was looking to come over. I don't know...actually I do. Aint nothin doin. No plans on putting it in reverse.

Ray Ray asked me about bad dates and I thought I'd share one particularly bad date with you all. When I was about 19, I went out with a guy who told me he was a millionaire. I didn't believe him but I went along with the charade figuring I'd be able to say either "I once dated a millionare" or "I once dated a guy who said he was a millionaire." I knew either way it would make for a very funny story. When it came time for us to go out, I wanted to go to the UniverSoul Circus and for sushi since I never had sushi before and he claimed to have lived in Japan a few years. Now even though this guy was a "millionaire" he didn't drive. He said he had cars but no license, so his cars were in a garage at his house until he got it. Umm...ok.

So we went out...on the bus. I wasn't at that point in my life where I was above public transit yet, so I didn't object. He'd asked his mother how to get to the circus and when he told me what we had to catch, I knew they didn't go in the general direction of where we needed to be, but figured maybe he AND his mother knew something I didn't. We ended up riding around and got off NO WHERE NEAR the location of the circus. At that point it was past the time the circus was supposed to start so we decided to just go to dinner. He wasn't a horrible dinner companion...until he stuffed a huge piece of octopus in his mouth, because I refused to eat it, and begun to talk with his mouth full. I was TOO THROUGH. Even back then a lack of table manners would get you a trip to "kickrocksville". This was just added straw on the already broken camels back. And to top it off, he stiffed the waitress on the tip. It wasn't a complete travesty though. He did take me shopping to make up for missing the circus. Shoot, its expensive keeping up a facade of wealth lol. I felt bad for spending his money for a split second until I reminded myself that he's a liar and if his lies benift me then so be it.

Oh and as for the "wrong" directions he got from him mom about how to get tot he circus...he told me she said gave him the wrong directions on purpose. I forgot the reason he gave as soon as he said it. Wasn't worth the energy.

You are NOT the mother!!

I am a bit of a hypochondriac. If I get a headache and can't pinpoint the origin, I freak and think its a tumor or the beginning stages of an aneurysm. I started getting light spots on my leg and asked my doctor if it was Vitaliago (I really don't wanna be like Mike lol). My knee started hurting and I thought it was Osteoarthritis. My hair appeared to be falling out and I thought I had a thyroid problem. I could go on and on and on with my particular brand of insanity lol. I know my body. The slightest change and I'm online or in the doctors office, trying to figure out what's going on. I've been this way for as long as I can remember.

Recently this quirk of mine reared its ugly head, prompted by the encouragement of a friend. Sunday, I had a headache and couldn't figure out why. I thought it might have been because my hair was too tight, but once I loosened it up, it stayed. Monday, my stomach was doing monkey flips, and I peed 4 times that day without drinking extra water. Things felt a little out of wack, but I wasn't particularly worried. I was talking to a friend and mentioned my ailments when he said "That sounds like that baby disease." I brushed him off immediately because in order to have a baby you have to have sex. At least that's how it goes according to the video I was shown in my 7th grade health class. Then my hypochondria kicked in, I realized that it really hasn't been that long since the last time Batman and I went at it (only 2 months or so) and suddenly I wasn't so sure. Forget the fact that my period just went off the day before AND we used protection, I just knew that what once seemed like the impossible was now a very real possibility.

After that initial shock wore off, I realized how absurd it really was and was planning to KIM, but my friend and my mild case of hypochondria joined forces and conspired to send my mind into a tail spin. I thought about how the conversation would go with Batman if I were pregnant:

Me: Hey how’ve you been?
Batman: Hey! I’m good, what’s been up with you?
Me: Oh, nothing much. Just carrying your first born. What about you?

Not exactly the best tactic you know lol? I started thinking about whether or not he’d step up to the plate and honestly felt I wouldn’t have a problem with him. He’s really family oriented, the youngest, the only boy, and his parents are still together. He’s ambitious; goal orientated and is truly about his business. He has his own house and the last time I talked to him, he was about to start interviewing for a job in accounting because he was ready to make a career change. As far as baby daddies go, I wouldn’t have done too badly. Then there were the “I never thought this would be me” thoughts and thinking about all the people I’d get sideways glances from. I am the LAST person a lot of people in my life would expect to have a kid out of wedlock no matter how common it might be nowadays. I’m the good girl and I also am so against it…for me. Other folks can do what they please with their lives without any input or judgment from me, but I have no desire what-so-ever to be a “baby muva”.

A couple of days after the conversation with my friend, I decided to take a test just to be sure, after all I already had one at home. It was part of a two pack I bought last year after my grandmother called me asking if I was pregnant because she dreamed of fish and I’d had an unprotected romp with a long term FB not to long ago. In any event, the test was negative like I knew it would be, but I learned that I am at a point in my life where abortion and “Oh what am I gonna do now” thoughts in relation to pregnancy are a thing of the past. I’m grown. If I can lie down, then I can deal with the consequences when I get up.

Oh and that friend who was so insistent that I take the test? Well I played a little joke on him when I called to give him the results. I let him think I war preggers while he was out on a date. He said he almost teared up and was ready to take his date home and come and console me lol. It’s not funny, but it kinda is lol.