New Decree...

On this day, January 14, 2008 a new decree has been set forth. As of 8:21am (EST), I no longer have sex with my friends.

I was listening to the Steve Harvey Morning Show while driving to work this a.m. and they do this thing called the Strawberry Letter. Basically, people write in with their problems and ask Steve, often referred to as the "Code Cracker", to give them his opinion and/or advice. Today's letter wasn't of the particularly juicy variety, but for some reason, a single line in it resonated with me. The woman who wrote in was asking if she should commit to a man she'd been openly seeing for three months. He now wanted to make things exclusive putting aside their original agreement to date openly. The thing that made me sit up and take notice was her writing "I didn't break off any cookie so as not to confuse things." It was truly a "light bulb moment". CONFUSION...the notion seemed so obvious, but so obscure at the same time. The fog was finally lifted. There will be NO MORE CONFUSION.

See I have BEEF with the term "friend". I've had it for quite some time now. It just doesn't carry the weight it should anymore because people have been abusing it for so long. People call the person they've known since they were playing in the sand box, making mud pies and eating boogies the SAME THING as the person they only see under the cover of night for a drunken interlude. That aint right at all. SO, I'm taking the term back. I'm confiscating it from all the frivolous mofos who are misusing it. I'm also doing away with any gray area associated with its misuse. Instead, I'm outlining the various "positions" a man could possibly have in my life. Here are my guidelines...

Friends*
If say you want to be my friend then you will be treated like my FRIENDS. That means I will treat you the SAME way I treat my female friends. Granted, I may occasionally flirt because lets be real, flirting with boys is fun lol, but other than that there will be no kissing, sexing, cuddling, holding hands, flirting laced with sexual innuendos, inappropriate late night conversations or doing anything that might give either one of us the impression that the situation is more than it is. When we hang out, I'll pay for my self unless we establish before hand that you're treating. On the upside, I'm more likely to treat you now lol. Feel free to tell me about all the chicks you are dating, running up in, misleading, lying to...whatever is your twist. It won't matter to me, because as far as I'm concerned you are not a prospect and I will treat you as such. In the begining however, you must be single. This has little to do with the possibility that you may move up in the ranks, but everything to do with the fact that I don't do well with chicks calling me on some "Spanish Inquisition" tip wanting to know who I am and where I know you from. In the event you want to move to another level, please understand there is a strong likelihood you won't be able to come back.

*Please note this only refers to new friends. If you are already part of my regime, you are special case to be considered completely separate....

Dating
If you hit me with the "I want to get to know you" line and you don't want to be put into the "friend zone", then we can DATE. Know that my expectations for you change. I now expect to see a certain amount of effort. If I'm interested enough to date you, then that means I'll be making an effort to get to know you and show you who I am. Know that I am not about to be the ONLY ONE doing this, or putting out noticeably more effort than you. Cuddiling, kissing and hand holding are allowed in the early stages, however other "perks" only come with time. Exactly how much varies and believe me you'll know when enough has passed. Feel free to see whoever you like and do whatever you want as long as I don't know about it. Just because we are dating openly doesn't mean I want to see ALL of your business. This arrangement does have an expiration date and if we aren't on the same page when that day comes, you will either be demoted to friend* or kicked out of the rotation completely. This stage is about working towards a goal, not running in place for as long as possible.

This is a conditional demotion. It depends largely on how far my feelings for you have developed and why we aren't on the same page.

My Man
If I have to even explain this to you chances are you aren't being considered for the position anyway.

Bonus: FB
It's been ages since I've had one, but in the unlikely event you end up in this category, know that I care ONLY ABOUT THE SEX. The less I know about you the better, so I don't want to know how your day was, I don't care that your dog died, don't tell me you got laid off unless it affects me getting laid. When I come over, don't pop in a DVD just offer me something to drink and bring it to me naked. It is likely that I'll be spending the night, but this is only because its too late and I'm too tired to drive home. If this isn't the case something has gone horribly awry and I'm am backing out of this arrangement post haste! Please be warned that this arrangement has the shelf life of unopened milk.

I think I've covered my basis and have effectively done away with any possible gray areas lol!