DOH!!

So J has been REALLY BUSY lately. We still talk every day and send emails while at work, but the frequency isn't what it used to be and the content is definitely not as in depth. When things start to "settle" in a budding romance, I'm generally not surprised when it happens. I just take it as a sign that we're comfortable together and try to figure out how to operate in the new "space" that we've created. When it started a couple weeks ago, I didn't think too much of our shorter conversations and less substantial emails since I knew that he was busy with a new project at work, trying to get a promotion AND working on his MBA (yeah my boo is ambitious lol). HE brought it to my attention before I even noticed honestly. He basically said I know I've been busy and that I haven't had as much time for you lately, but I just want to let you know that the honeymoon isn't over and I'm still very much interested in you. I was shocked to say the least! I thought it was incredibly sweet and mature of him to even be thinking in that vain. I'm certainly not used to that lol. I told him that I understood and that he should just handle his business because I'll be here when he's done and I meant every single word. I'm supportive and stuff right?! Lol

Fast forward two weeks…

Now if there is one thing that's started to annoy me, it's when he says "Let me call you right back" and I don't hear from him until the next day. It drives me UP.A.FRIGGIN.WALL. ESPECIALLY when I have something I want to talk to him about or I'm in the middle of telling him something or we haven't talked all day. So Thursday, he doesn't get around to calling me back and I'm annoyed because he did it Wednesday night too. I'm wondering if this is going to become a pattern and starting to feel like I'm about to get lost in the shuffle of his busy life. Along comes Friday and now not only am I annoyed, I'm also fresh on the other side of a bad cold and PMSing! Being sick, agitated, emotional and INCREDIBLY HORNY does NOT have a positive effect on rational thinking! And I recognized that! I was flipping out and I had NO IDEA WHY! So before I said anything to him, I tried to figure out if my beef was with him or the WORLD. I eventually come to the conclusion that it wasn't really him, but I was still feeling attention starved and needed to let him know. We'd already been texting back and forth a little since I didn't have to work and he did so I let him know. That's when he called me and I realized that I messed up BIG TIME!

So…we're talking and I'm explaining to him how I feel the best I can. I'm not always the best at it outside of writing. I've kinda crippled myself in that regard with my last couple relationships. In between one of my long awkward pauses, he says "Oh bet! I got some comments on Myspace wishing me happy birthday" Now I'm thinking "This knee grow talking bout Myspace while I'm trying to tell him"…insert record scratch >>here<<

MB: Wait…isn't it a little early for birthday wishes?
J: Umm…no.
MB: But isn't your birthday Monday?
J: Uhh…no. Actually it's today.
MB: *crawls under bed because she feels that small* OH MY GOD! I AM SO SORRY!
J: (laughing) Oh wow you didn't know? I was wondering why I didn't talk to you until 12 today. And then I hit you up first. I thought to myself 'She must be feeling some type of way'

When I tell you that I felt like the village idiot…it really is an UNDERSTATEMENT. Not ONLY did I almost miss it, but I told him that I needed some attention on HIS BIRTHDAY?! OH.MY.GOD. I am silently dying inside as I type this lol. He thinks its funny and was totally cool about it, but I can't help but think about how I would have felt if the shoe was on the other foot! I even told him if I was a guy and he was a girl, I would never be able to live it down lol. He agreed and went into all the things a woman would have said, one of which was "I don't know where you got the 24^th from! Aint nobody say nothing about the 24^th! You don't listen!" lol.

As I was typing this I had to stop and apologize once again because I still feel horrible lol. I wanted to make him feel all kinds of special on his birthday and I missed the mark, screwed up the dismount and fell on the landing lol.

And it gets better…

At least I was thinking about his birthday on his birthday lol. I got him a digital voice recorder (because he's always asking me to remember stuff for him or sending himself text messages as reminders or calling his voicemail so he can remember an idea, a subject or a song melody for later lol) and picked out three birthday cards that were absolutely PERFECT. I think I was more excited about the cards than the recorder lol! I had it all packed and ready to go for over a week. I held on to it so I could time the shipping perfectly and make sure he'd get it ON his birthday. So Friday, I drive to the almost impossible to find post office around my dad's house and ship it off to MD just for my boo J. I get all the way home, open the fridge and it suddenly hit me…I didn't put the apartment number on the box…oh crap. Hmm…well maybe it won't be a problem. They'll just put it with the rest of his mail right? Only if the rest of his mail is addressed to "The Birthday Boy"! SMH!! Chances are, I'll be getting the package back lol. Funny thing is, even if his birthday was on Monday, he wouldn't have gotten his gift on time lol! I felt so bad about almost missing his birthday that I broke down and told him what I got him when he asked. He was really excited about it, but then I had to tell him that he probably wouldn't be getting it for another two weeks. When I told him why, he found it quite amusing. Way to go Mahogany. Way to go.

I'm not even his girlfriend yet and I suck as a girlfriend lol.

Randomness: Reading ain't always fundamental

I have an interview tomorrow. I've already interviewed with two different people over the phone and they both seemed to like me. I mean what's not to like, but I digress lol. This all happened last week and I don't remember applying for this job AT ALL. Because of that, I ended up tap dancing, shucking and jiving and playing up every strength I had lol. I think I may have even told them about the badge I got in Girl Scouts when I was 8 lol. So now they are bringing me down for a "site visit" and I promise you if don't offer me the job or the salary is way too low, I'm gonna be SAL-TY and MAD lol. Hopefully all will go well and my next entry will be one of my last ones from Dirty Jerz.

Insert crossed fingers >>here<<

I mentioned my blog...he asked for the addy. Umm...not gonna happen lol. I let the last one read it because there was far less gushing, but what I've been doing is so not "new guy" friendly lol. This is like my diary and I only let a few thousand cl0se personal friends read it lol. We aren't that close yet!! Plus, he knows how much I like him, but he don't KNOW HOW MUCH I LIKE HIM lol. Yeah, I think I'm gonna keep my cards a lil close to my chest this round lol.

Insert poker face >>here<<

Natedogg STILL and I mean STILL IM's me. We talk like everyday almost and everyday I am reminded of just how young he really is. He annoys me to no end sometimes. I actually said to him today "Ok, I'm done talking to you for the day. Be gone peon." I was kidding, but I was so serious! He makes me say mean things. It's all his fault lol!! I don't know why I still entertain him. That's all my fault lol!! He asked me out to dinner today.

Insert blank stare >>here<<

Sometimes I want to bail. Sometimes I want to tell J "Let's just be friends before we screw things up and can't stand each other." But as scared as I am about things going horribly, horribly wrong, I'm more afraid of not seeing what this could be. I was listening to the new Jordan Sparks and Chris Brown song "No Air" and I got really sad thinking to myself "One day I'm going to have to get over him." In that moment, I realized that all my years of falling down, dusting myself off and getting back up again have finally taken a toll. I'm gun shy about having genuine feelings for him because I know along with that comes the potential for being hurt. I guess I'm not as resilient as I used to be. I'm officially damaged goods.

Insert sad face and fetal position >>here<<

I don't think I ever wrote about what happened with the old friend from college. Well, he sends me a message on Myspace after us not talking on the phone or via text for like two weeks. It's this dry assed message like we don't know each other at all, so I call him on it. He responds "So you want me to talk? How bout this, when you gonna bring your sexy chocolate ass down here to see me?" So at this point, I'm slightly tickled and mildly intrigued. I tell him that while I would LOVE nothing more than to bring my "sexy chocolate ass" to see his sexy chai latte ass, I'm not about to spend 20 bucks in tolls and 4o bucks in gas and drive across two states to see someone who's not even interested in me. He asked what gave me that impression. Umm...could it be the fact that you can't even pick up the phone to call or text? Maybe. So after a bit of a back and forth it became apparent that all he wanted was sex. He made comments like "I'll make it worth your while. I guarantee!" and jokes about booty calls. I not so politely declined and told him unless he meant that he was taking me out to dinner and a show and buying me flowers. lilies to be exact, it would NOT be worth my while. After he got the hint, he threw out a cursory "If you're ever in town and want to hang out..."

Insert side eye >>here<<

Sunday night, my dad asked me how was my trip. I smiled and said it was good. His response? "I bet it was! Look at you! You're glowing!" I NEARLY DIED. I promise I nearly passed out lol. Daddy is noticing things? Da hell?! Am I floatin around the house and what not lol? Weeks ago he commented on a new hair style and said "So when do I get to meet this new boyfriend that you're making trips and changing your hair for?" HUH?! All I could say is "He's not my boyfriend. He's just a boy I like" lol. Daddy wasn't buying it. He's planning the wedding already and talking about flying relatives in from Nigeria.

Insert head buried in hands >>here<<

I still think about The Friend from time to time, specifically when I hear any J Holiday song. I don't still have feelings for him in that "I want you back" kind of way, but he crosses my mind every now and then. There's a small part of me that thinks I'm at a point where we could actually be friends, but a wiser part of me knows that's only because my interest lies elsewhere now. The problem is, as long as that's the ONLY reason why I feel that way, it's not a good idea. I'm just going to chuck him up to "reasons and seasons" and KIM because it's not even worth it on so many levels.

Insert stiletto pumped supermodel walk >>here<<

Today's Top 10: I...GOT...IT...BAD!!!

It's only been about three weeks and I know that I am prone to let my emotions run away from me, so I was trying to keep it together. The problem is he does not make that easy!! *sigh* Where do I even begin? I saw him again. Went to visit him this past weekend and it was WON-DER-FUL. Nothing spectacular happened. We didn't do anything of particular note (I mean nothing I'm going to SHARE *insert pimp laugh here* lol) but MAN do I have a jones for him!! It's so bad it’s almost embarrassing! Kay laughs at me, calls me names and makes fun of me on a regular basis now and I don't even care lol. Yall can join in too if you like because this post is about to be SO SACCRINELY SWEET that it will give you a TOOTH ACHE. I promise you'll say "AWWW" no less than four times lol. You've been warned lol!!

Here are the top 10 reasons why I got it BAD…

1. He's not all talk
Last Monday I told him that I wanted to see him. I let him know that while I recognized and understood the fact that he was busy, I wanted him to make time to see me soon and I kinda felt some type of way about the fact that we hadn't talked in concrete terms about us seeing each other again. We talked it over and by the end of the conversation; I had an invite to see him that weekend :). The next day when I was making plans, I told him I wanted to come down Friday after work. He said he wasn’t sure if he could clear his schedule for Friday and that Saturday might work better. I told him to just let me know, but to push for Friday if at all possible lol. He came back and said that Friday was cool :) I found out days later that he rearranged his schedule to make it all happen. That meant so much to me because of course he didn't have to.

1. He's really appreciative
To show my gratitude for being so accommodating to my madness, I gave him four small gifts and wrote haikus and a poem about what they meant and why I was giving each one to him. I also read it to him while wearing boy shorts, a matching bra and a wife beater because weeks ago he mentioned me wearing something like that. I was NERVOUS as all get out!! He really liked my little presentation though! He brought it up quite a few times over the course of the weekend and even said to me, "After last night, I decided that me and my wife are going to do 20 dollar gift days. I really liked what you did and I think that would be cool." Saying “Thank you” once would have been more than sufficient, but I was really touched by how appreciative he was.

1. He's full of surprises
We spent the Saturday basically doing things he would have done if I wasn't there. He rearranged his schedule, but he didn't cancel everything, only what he could get out of. He also had to take a number of calls throughout the day. Needless to say, undivided attention was in short supply. When we finally were able to wind down for the day and watch a movie, it didn't completely stop because he was on his laptop typing away. I made a comment about him being the king of multi-tasking which you all know loosely translated means “Put down the damn laptop and pay me some attention dammit!” lol. He didn't get the hint lol. The next day when I was checking my email, I learned what he’d been doing. He sent me two messages the night before with links to jobs he wanted me to apply for. He was job hunting for me :) Gotta love it!

1. I got freezer space!
I have a bunch of self-inflicted inconvenient diet restrictions right now, so feeding me was going to prove to be very tricky. He eats a steady diet of turkey bologna and pudding lol, so I decided to just run to Wal-Mart on my way there and pick up a few items to take the burden off of him. I bought a couple Morning Star Farms veggie products and when he saw them in the freezer he asked if I wanted to leave them there. Yay!! I got freezer space!!

1. He tells me what to do...
And I like it (sometimes lol)!! It's no secret that I can be a bit of a “know it all” lol. Even though I'm working on it, my knee jerk reaction to unsolicited direction is usually resistance in the form or outright defiance or a sarcastic retort. Not with him though. Well, that's not entirely true...not with him always lol. Most of the time I do what he tells me with no thought or back talk, but even when I come back with a smart retort and continue doing what I want to do, I dig him taking control of things. I look forward to the day when I can trust a man enough to let him completely have the reigns, but until that day comes, I'll stay a back seat driver with my hand on the wheel asking questions like “Where we goin? Are we there yet?” lol. As far as he's concerned, I'm loosening my grip more and more each day.

1. He sings to me...
BADLY and LOUDLY, but he sings to me lol. And he changes the words and puts my name in the songs too. It always makes me blush and I think that's exactly why he does it. One tune I've heard a couple times now is a little ditty called “Cupid” (not the 112 version either lol)...



1. He looks at me like THAT…
You know the look I’m talking about; the one that makes you blush like Miss Celie after she kisses Shug Avery for the first time lol. I can be in the middle of a sentence, cooking or putting on lotion and he'll just stare at me. When I ask him "What?" or "What are you looking at?" He usually replies "Aww...you're so pretty" or "You're so beautiful." It makes me feel like a giggling school girl who just got that "Do you like me" note from the cutest boy in the class EVERY SINGLE TIME lol.

1. The cuddling!
I usually HATE trying to sleep in a tight cuddle. Most of the time I'm uncomfortable because I can't find the proper head position and/or I'm worried about the weight of my body making the guy’s arm fall asleep. I've always maintained that it’s cute for about ten minutes then let me go so I can actually get some sleep. Well with him, it feels like we find new and comfortable positions to sleep in every night. We fit together perfectly! From spooning, to him on his back and my head on his chest, it all just feels so good. I think my most fave is the newest one the “Spoon with the Hand Hold” lol. Yeah that's a good one right there lol.

1. THE SEX
I would go into detail, but this is a PG-13 blog lol. I don't want folks who read this at work to get blocked because the site now contains adult content lol. I will say this...after Sunday morning's session; I lay on the bed in the same position for 5 minutes after it was over, unable and unwilling to move. *fans self*

1. The Random Things
Like, him “Supermanin” past the kitchen after I begged him to stop singing that stupid song because it would be stuck in my head…or the way he puts his arm across my mid section when he’s making a turn because that’s what his mom does…or when he’s driving and reaches over and rubs my knee…or when I’m in the kitchen and he comes over and smacks me on the ass…or watching him dry off after a shower…or how he doesn’t snore ( I love him for this one right here!!)…or how he told the lady in church who complimented him on his singing voice *rolls eyes* that the bass she heard was actually me lol…shoo, the fact that he took me to church in the first place…or him telling me numerous times "I'm really glad you're here"...*sigh*

So there you have it. Feel free to make fun cuz I don’t even care lol. Yup I got it bad yall!

Road Trip!!

Like I said, I was smitten from that point on and it only got worse. We have some of the most honest and open discussions I've ever had. He asks me about everything from my insecurities to my favorite cereal and really LISTENS. I tell you, if this is game then somebody hand this man a cup, a cape and a cane cuz I'm ready to be his bottom bitch lol. He's not without flaws either, but they're bearable…for now lol. Ask me again in a couple weeks lol.

The day after Valentines Day he started asking me about coming to see him since it was a three day weekend. I resisted, telling him that I didn't think it was a good idea. After all, I'd only known him for about a week even if it did feel longer. AND given the tone of our conversations, I knew sex was inevitable and I wasn't trying to go there. I told him about my concerns and he said he understood, but he still wanted to see me. He promised to be on his best behavior, but I had to let him know that HE wasn't the problem. My main concern was ME. All ME lol. I know that if I really like a guy, things are going well, I'm horny, we've been talking about sex and the opportunity presents itself, there is a GOOD chance that we're going to end up naked. It’s pretty much a guarantee actually lol. So I told him no. It was attempting to develop some self control and learn the value of delayed gratification lol. No matter how badly I wanted to hit the road, I knew how it was going to end and I wanted something different this time around.

Later that night, he called me and went on this long ramble about how he understands and knows that I was telling the truth and respects that. Some of it went over my head, but I caught a few things like “I’ve never liked anyone this much this fast before” and “I want to take a road trip with you. You seem like a cool person to take a road trip with.” and "I don't just want to stick my dick in you" and "I want to continue getting to know you." Umm…ok lol. Bottom line; he still wanted to see me and while he did want to have sex with me, that’s not the only thing he wants from me. I told him I'd think about it and that’s the best I could do. I’m not sure when it happened, but I finally decided to go. I figured I can’t use avoidance as a crutch forever. I really wanted to see him and I genuinely didn’t want things to get physical so I figured I could handle it. We had a short back and forth about whether or not I should spend the night and finally decided to play it by ear. He even volunteered to leave and sleep somewhere else because he didn’t think it would be worth it for me if I only came down for the day. I thought it was sweet and I appreciated his effort to make me comfortable but I didn’t want to put him out of his house because we are two grown assed people who can’t control themselves.

If I wasn’t sure about whether or not I was staying the night before, I was convinced once I saw that it was 3.5 hours away and not the usual 2 and change I’m used to. He wanted me to get there at 5am...you do the math lol! He was trying to lure me out of the house at 1:30 in the morning with promises of bubble baths and hot meals lol. He even said he’d stay on the phone with me the entire drive. So I left my house…at 7 lol. I wanted to see him but a 1:30am road trip was not about to happen lol.

I wasn’t nervous until I was about 10 minutes from his house. I literally wanted to turn around and go back home but of course it was too late lol. When I walked in, we hugged and as he started talking I noticed that he was looking everywhere but at me. My nervousness had subsided by then so I decided to just break the ice. I grabbed him by his shirt and kissed him. That’s when things got a little umm…interesting lol. I just wanted a kiss. ONE KISS. The next thing I knew, he had me bent over the couch trying to pull my pants down! Give a knee grow an inch…lol! I was able to keep my pants on, but once we were in the bedroom I wasn’t so successful. I won’t go into details, but I will say that it didn’t take long. I tried, I really did, but he’s just so damned persuasive!! I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t regret it and wish I stayed home for a brief second after the first time, but after spending the day with him and after the second…and third time, any regret subsided lol.

I had so much fun with him. Even when he told the cashier in Wal-Mart that I had the BG’s because I was looking for ginger ale lol. Jack ass lol. I cooked, we got a lil drunk, and I gave my first lap dance lol!! The next day it was really nice and he took me to the playground! He didn’t tell me where we were going, he just told me to throw something on. When he saw that my version of “throwing something one” included 4 inch heels he told me to grab my sneakers lol. I was so tickled when we pulled up. He got MAJOR points for that one. We sat and talked while the little kids ran around. We would have gotten on the swings, but the little brats kept hogging them lol. Overall, it was an excellent trip.

We only had one snafu…there’s always a snafu right?

Not long after we got back from the playground, he proceeded to have a 10 minute conversation IN FRONT OF ME with someone who OBVIOUSLY wasn’t a platonic friend. I thought about being dramatic, grabbing my bags and chucking him the deuce on my way out the door, but I decided to be adult about the situation. I was pissed so I didn’t want to say something immediately because I knew how it was going to come out. It worked out because he made a phone call and as soon as he got off the phone, I let him know how much I didn’t appreciate his previous conversation and how I don’t want that to EVER happen again. He tried to explain it by saying she didn’t really understand things or something, but I stopped him and told him I just need him to understand that it’s mad disrespectful and I’d appreciate if it never happened again. I know I aint your girl and you do your thing, but that that’s just crazy. He apologized so I had to let it go, but yall know I was still a lil heated lol. He then rubbed my feet, kissed them and all was forgiven lol. Yup, I’m a sucka lol.

Aside from that, it was great. He seems to be a good one. I’d like to keep him around for a while. We’ll see…

I'm In Like Again!!

It’s been a minute I know, so sorry about that. This is the hard part about having a blog about your love life. When you're in a slump and/or still dealing with having feelings for someone who you shouldn't, writing about it depresses you lol. But I’m back!

I started an entry the week before last and never got around to finishing it. I’m kinda glad I didn’t. I was being a real Debbie Downer about Valentines Day. The entry was titled “Ten Reasons Why I Hate Valentines Day: Bah Humbug!!” I’d planned on posting it a week before V Day just so my bad attitude wouldn’t rub off on anyone else lol. Then something happened and I forgot all about it. I met J. *sigh*

I met him at a friend’s house warming last Saturday. He was there with his cousin (who I don’t know) and guess what? He’s from MD. Only I go to a party in Philly and meet a guy from MD lol. I thought he was cute so I was happy to have an excuse to talk to him. I chatted him up, told him about my plans to relocate, he offered to help me with my resume and job search so exchanged email addresses and phone numbers. I kinda forgot that I even met him until he emailed me on Monday. After that initial message, it feels like we’ve been talking non-stop.

Wednesday he calls me at work and this is how our conversation goes:

J: You know today is National Black Love Day. Do you have any love in your life?
MB: (still in my “I hate Valentines Day” mood) “NO!!...Well I’ve got family and friends, but outside of that, nope. No black love.”
J: (laughing)
MB: What’s so funny?
J: I’m a punk.
MB: Why are you a punk?
J: Because I’m scared to ask you to be my Valentine.

Say it with me now…AWWWWWWW!!! Lol. That got him more cool points than he will ever know. We acknowledged that it didn’t really mean much since we were in two different states, but it was so nice to be asked. The next day I decided to make it mean as much as it could and took my Valentine responsibilities very seriously lol. I sent him something different every hour from 9-5. Pics of me, jokes, random facts about Valentines Day, an ecard, songs…I was doing a lot lol. This was light years away from how I was feeling about Valentines Day when I wrote that entry the previous Thursday lol. He wrote a few for poems for me and even though some read more like dirty limericks, it was sweet lol.

When I got home that night, I happened to be talking to him on the phone when I saw a pink envelope on the table addressed to me with a MD return address. I stopped in mid sentence and was utterly speechless before I even opened it. I was not expecting it at all. The card was so pretty and sweet. He wrote something inside of it too. He said: “May the love others have for you be multiplied 100x’s over in the coming year. Looking forward to more days full of smiles because of you.” He also drew a portrait of me that looked like a cabbage patch kid and included one of the old school Valentines Day cards that kids give out to their classmates J I got a Shrek card that says “Just swinging by to say hi!” I was too DONE. I thought he was cute, smart and funny. I enjoyed talking to him and emailing with him, but that little surprise pulled me into full on SMITTEN mode lol.

I really couldn’t say anything besides “Thank you.” And if I wasn’t already awestruck, he started free styling poetry. I lay across my bed with my face buried in my pillow like a 12 year old, just giddy as I listened to all these things he had to say about me. It was just SO DAMN SWEET. I can’t think of a better way to describe it lol. So from that moment on he had me open. Yup I gotta admit, he got me open lol.

There’s more to tell, but I don’t want this to get to long so I’ll pause and continue this story tomorrow. Ya girl is back and she’s in like!